Driving Mr Hubby.

Hubby's struggle over his inability to drive is a major obstacle in our life.
Some days bigger than others but always there in the recesses of his mind he believes he has the ability to drive. On some (some) days he may very well be able too. Lately I would be inclined to think so EXCEPT I know better.

Lewy Body Dementia can leave me spinning trying to understand its ups and downs. For example, Hubby has had some pretty decent days of late. Yes, he does sleep almost all the time anymore but he moves a little better and without the use of his walker when he is awake. Hubby has been a little more like his old fun self  the last few weeks joking and teasing. I have appreciated every good moment.

One of the sad things, amongst the plethora, of Lewy is that Hubby is aware he has a problem. he has mentioned it only a few times to me or to others. His actions or lack of them at times also makes me aware he knows he has problems. Truthfully there are times when I wish he didn't know and just forgot about certain things completely, more specifically, driving.
Driving is such an independent thing. So much of his independence has been lost from other things less important to him that he has adapted pretty well. Afterall, having someone to get and do for you sounds pretty good even to me. But driving, that's a whole other ball of wax.

Several months before his diagnosis In March 2007 Hubby bought a brand spanking new truck. He took great effort in adding just the right details to it to doll it up. Bright Red with Chrome accessories and do-dads. It was an eyecatcher for sure. In April and May that same year Hubby wrecked his truck twice, both times in our own yard. The damage was easy to repair but his pride was not. He started driving it less but continued driving his small vehicle. He made me a nervous wreck riding with him.  Hubby was driving erratically. Running red lights, severe tailgating. Swerving all over the road. I think there are permanent finger print indentations in the door arm and a foot imprint where a break should be on the passengers side floorboard. I refused to ride anywhere with him. And by June I took over the driving if we went anywhere together.

Hubby continued to drive on his own and even when he was diagnosed he continued for a very short time. Nobody in authority said he couldn't and Hubby knew he was having problems so he actually drove less and less on his own. The last time Hubby drove was mid July 08 and the time before that was end of May 08 ( I know because I kept a journal and went back to look ) so nearly a 2 months hiatus for this daily driver.
He hasn't driven alone since and there are times when he feels like he should be able to.

At his last Neurologist appointment Hubby's Dr still di not say he could not drive, but did say he didn't think that Hubby could get his license renewed. Unfortunately all Hubby has to do is pass a simple eye test and sign on the dotted line to get his license renewed. I think he could do that.

Hubby's license expires on his birthday next month and he has mentioned to me that he needs to renew them but that was a couple of months ago. He has seen the renewal form and I did not throw it away but placed it on the bulletin board. I am thinking if it's so important to Hubby he will remember but I am not going to bring it up. I know that sounds terrible of me and I feel like a heel about it but I only want the safety of Hubby and others. That is something he doesn't want to or can't understand.

Yesterday Hubby saw a Mental Health professional to discuss his feelings about not driving. I am not sure how much of it Hubby actually absorbed because when he tried to talk to me about it later he got lost in his conversation. One good thing came out of the meeting I was able to attend. Hubby remembered who I was and recalled that we were married and where! I was so surprised and then just as quickly as I was happy I was crushed because hubby said he felt like I was keeping him trapped and he wanted out of our marriage. I am still stung and here I sit between a rock and a hard place. Pressed under the weight of the snow.

Today Hubby sleeps.
Today I cried. Some days, I'm too tired to be strong.

Driveway Devotional

We have experienced some of the worst winter weather Arkansas has seen in a while. 12" of snow.
How can something so beautiful be disliked so much?

Armed with a flat end shovel, a heavy sweatshirt and jeans, sunglasses, gloves and monitor so I could hear Hubby if he needed me. I spent the last 2 days trying to shovel out 200+ feet of driveway. Wide enough of a path that I can get out of the driveway and Hubby's aide or anyone else can get in. I am very tired and sore.



As I was shoveling I took the time to look around at the beauty of the snow. The glistening as though diamond dust was scatter across the yard when the sun was shining on it. The big fluffy clouds passing by at a fairly quick pace. The warmth of the sun beating on my face and the sounds of the ice dripping and snow falling from crackling tree branches and the house eaves. Birds taking flight against a beautiful blue sky leaving behind a trail of the white powder floating off into the air to be evaporated or to find rest somewhere else.

Gods splendor.

Looking through the trees my eye captured a pine tree that had been weighted down by the heaviness of the snow given release from the weight as the sun melted just enough to give it a bounce back.

Shaking the powder from its branches and looking back up to the sky. A moment washed over me as I thought about those trees and the weight they bore.

Some trees branches were mighty and withstood the load of the snow with little to no effect.

Some tree branches and shrubbery were so burdened down by the load and laying in the driveway.
The tangled mess of prickly bushes have prevented one tree in particular to grow awkwardly and bear sparse leaves and branches. The poor tree has never had the opportunity to develop to it's full potential. I doubt it ever will be anything more than a weakling surrounded by prickly bushes.

Some branches are weak and bear no life in them. They are nothing to really look at but you can tell that at one time they were strong and mighty.

Others that are smaller and bare no life, succumbed to the weight and fell off.

The pine trees were my favorite to watch.
Even the tallest and more regal of the pines were not immune to the barrage of flakes. Some withstood quite well. Perhaps losing the weakest branches.

The smaller trees could do nothing but bow down. Some leaned to the side as in an effort to avoid all their branches from being covered. Some succeeded and have yet to straighten out completely. I wonder if they ever will without help.

Some just snapped giving up completely.

Others shouldered the snowfall and appeared to be burdened by the weight.
The wind was at first helping to keep some of the snow off of them but eventually it stopped blowing and the snow fell anyway. I wondered how long they could endure.


Standing there looking at the pine tree I thought how heavy that burden must feel. Many of the branches touching the ground. Then as if God spoke I watched this pine tree shake and then the snow fell off many of the branches. Those branches in their release from bondage stood erect and renewed. A tad dusty but strong and ready for the next round. I laughed when I saw this.

I was struck by the thought that in many ways we are like trees burdened by the weight of snow.
We have a great many burdens to bare. Some of us that have been around a while and have weathered many things still stand tall and regal.
We suffer a great many losses though our lifetime, we see much new life in it also. We have learned how to bend and sway and continue on until our time here is done.

Other trees with dead branches producing no foliage or fruit surrendered to the will of the Lord. For He knows the plans he has for us. Plans to give us a future and a hope. Making room for new productive growth in our lives.

Some of us surrounded by prickly bushes that hinder our growth and effectiveness. Never getting out of the situation mostly because we don't know any better and the prickly bushes have become our way of life. Complacent to do nothing.

Then the pines.

Some of us try to run and avoid the inevitable. Depending on others (the wind) to save us. Leaning away from Lord leaving us bent and deformed.

Some of us leaning so far that we give up and break.

Then there are those of us that keep standing as still and tall as we can. We say we shall not be moved.
We gather our friends (the wind) to help us with the burden. We are ever so grateful knowing we are loved. Yet still more snow falls on our lives and more until we find ourselves heavily burdened by it and we wonder, whatever shall we do, or why me or how much more can I bare? Then just when we think we shall never hold up under the weight and our knees (branches) have been touching the ground for some time, feeling lonely and cold and concerned, we surrender to the will of God.
It is then that God's love shines on us.
He melts the burden bit by bit to reveal the beauty of his creation. Renewing our strength so we too may shake the powder off and spring upright declaring His wonder and love.
Perhaps there is a branch removed from our lives, and He is using that space filling it with good things.

All I know is that there are days I feel like the burdened pine. I shall not be moved.  On Christ the solid Rock I stand.
I wonder why things happen but mostly I wonder what I am learning from my experience as a caregiver and how can I use it to help others and declare the love of my Lord and Savior?

So I enjoyed my driveway devotional. I love how God picks the most interesting times and things to talk with me about.

Snit

Not Hubby, me.

Hubby had a visitor! A friend came by to visit. YAY for Hubby!! We have known Friend for many years. Hubby knows him much better than I do. It was good to see him for Hubby's sake. He and Hubby have had their ups and downs over the years but they are at least more than acquaintances. We were sad to learn Friend has had some very serious health problems that even required a long hospital stay. Since Hubby's illness he has lost contact with so many people he has known. Many have fell by the wayside or just dropped out of sight. Some have even passed away. Hubby has mostly forgotten how to dial the phone, or "this piece of junk" as he fondly refers to it, and never asks to call anyone. For various reasons I never take it upon myself to contact the people he knows just to check up with them. I myself have a community of friends I stay in contact with via internet. My friends and our friends. Without them I would be lost. They are my legion of laughs, sounding boards and prayer warriors.

So why the snit? Friend was shocked to see how much Hubby had declined. Actually Friend didn't think there was anything really wrong with Hubby until yesterday. When he saw it for himself. I left Friend and Hubby alone to visit but it wasn't long before Friend asked me to join them. I think Friend was a little uncomfortable. Hubby wasn't too engaging in the conversation but did recognize Friend and was happy to see him. Friend can be a little, what's a good word here?... boisterous. If it weren't for my northern upbringing I would probably have been terribly hurt by Friend's comments about some things but I was born with a fairly sharp wit and learned a sarcastic humor that can be to my advantage and to my disadvantage.

Back to my snit. Friend wrapped up his visit with Hubby and as he was leaving looked at me and said. "You take good care of him." I answered that I was already doing that. Friend nodded and grabbed Hubby and me for a hug.
After Friend left Hubby and I said it was nice he came. Hubby was tired and went to bed where he stayed the rest of the day. I had plenty of time to watch the snow fall and fall and fall and fall, did I mention we had snow fall? I do not like snow. Arkansas should only have snow on the grass. I knew we were in for another snow in and it had arrived earlier than expected so Hubby's aide was unable to come and I was unable to make a trip to the store. Once again we were snowed in. Hope the cats don't run out of food.

Today I spend the better part of the day trying to shovel the driveway. The aide can't make it again and I doubt she will be able to get down our driveway tomorrow so here I sit tonight tired and sore and mulling those words over in my head. "You take good care of him" (So much for my northern upbringing tonight.)

Wasn't it apparent that he was safe, clean, and tended to?
When you offered to take him for coffee sometime didn't my concern for you to watch out for him as he is unstable  give you a hint I was concerned.
I've only been care giving 24 hrs a day 7 days a week, less whatever time I feel blessed to have for running errands. But then I am still care giving because my time is so short and he is ever on the forefront of my mind. My number readily available should I need to be called and willing to drop everything on the spur of the moment to get to him.
I have only been doing this for a couple of years now and have made so many adjustments to our home for his convenience  and safety. You saw those in the house tour.
I have prepared the same meals over and over again because he gets whatever he wants and I'm happy to do it.
I make as much sense as I possibly can out of complete nonsense so he won't get terribly distressed trying to communicate. And I interpret for others and give simple choices so he can still make decisions
I have been rudely and harshly awakened in the night time hours due to REM sleep disorder that I try to avoid or let calm itself or I lull back to gentleness.
I have learned and am learning a way of helping him maintain as much of his dignity as I can possibly preserve. I do my best to talk to him and encourage him.
I make the extra effort to remain calm when he does something he knows he can't yet insists on doing it, leaving me a mess to clean.
I stay as close to him as I can in the event he needs me I am right here.
I bought a monitor so I can still take care of outside things and all he has to do is call for me to come, I will and do.
I have picked him up from the floor and talked him through getting up from the floor.
I have surveyed him for damage and tended wounds.
I have assisted with personal hygiene and dressing. Helping and just out and out doing.
I have assured him there are no others in the house and even demanded that there better not be as I was in my pajamas. (They didn't stick around)
I carry depends in my purse and bring the walker or wheelchair "Just in case'" and we always have the case.
I remind him he is loved and that I am here to take care of him even though he doesn't really know who I am.
I will drive him to the ends of the world if he just wanted to go.
I love him.

So yes, I AM taking good care of him. But would it hurt to say, "Take good care of yourself"
Sometimes a small comment like that can mean so much.