I have worked closely with Hubby's Dr's to wean him from some meds I felt were not contributing to Hubbys physical and mental wellness. For the last few weeks Hubby has had no incidents of falling and he seems to be steadier on his feet and has a little more ability.
I fear that in my quest for Hubby's physical gains the mental fluctuations have left me feeling like I am dealing with a double edged sword by the blade.
At a recent Dr visit with a mental health professional to discuss Hubby's feelings about his loss of independence, Hubby decided that I am the reason everyone is convinced there is something wrong with him. He is quite capable of taking care of himself and I have turned everyone against him. He then told his Dr that he was going to fix his car and divorce me.
Not a good day.
In Hubby's long silence between words and few word phrases to the Social Worker, Hubby announced, "I just found out about a house I didn't know we had".
The Social worker questioned Hubby about said house and I sat with a confused look on my face.
Asked where this house was Hubby couldn't answer so I asked him, "Do you mean the house we are living in now?"
Hubby answered "Yes"
I then asked "You mean the house we built 15 yrs ago that we are living in right now?"
Hubby looked confused and said "No"
I asked Hubby where said house was.
I gave him separate choices for deciding and each time he answered "No"
I asked what the address of said house was.
Hubby started giving the address but was having a difficult time recalling the numbers except for a couple I recognized so I asked him if they were thus and such and he, enlightened, said "Yes."
I looked at the Social Worker and he looked at me and asked me where that was.
I answered "That's our house we live at now.
Hubby insisted "No it wasn't"
Capgras delusional beliefs that people, places or objects have been replaced with duplicates.
After we left the Dr's office we stopped and had lunch and as I often ask whenever we have the opportunity to be out Hubby wanted to stop off at a friends place of business. Allowing Hubby to visit without my presence I sat in the car and waited for Hubby's return. Upon his return the friend told Hubby the tires he just ordered would be in Monday.
Stunned by this revelation and no legal authority to do anything about it, I simmered in my PMS.
Beating myself up for not shadowing Hubby. Refusing to make a stop and just bringing him home.
Then I would be beating myself up for keeping him captive. I feared that more than anything. I never want Hubby to feel like he is a prisoner. Sadly that is how he feels though.
So the double edge sword.
Hubby continued on the meds, stayed unstable sleepy and out of it not knowing who I am.
Not fearful or upset about his situation.
OR
Hubby cuts back on the meds helping him become more mobile and more alert to some things, yet still with a mental decline incapable of making decisions. Anxious and upset about his situation. Feeling trapped and controlled.
Now it gets interesting.
Lewy (Hubby) decides he wants to talk to me about leaving and driving but can't decide what he wants to say.
PMS (me) says that between Lewy's confusion and her confusion she needs to try and sort things out.
Lewy doesn't agree and says there is nothing wrong with him and PMS is trying to convince everyone that there is something wrong.
Gloves On. DING DING
PMS throws a verbal left and then a right jab telling Lewy she doesn't have to convince anyone of anything as Lewy does a good job on his own. Case and point, house comment at appointment today.
Lewy counters with a series of paused 3 and 4 word incomplete sentences.
PMS continues the verbal assault with another right and a bash with a left and a heavy thud right into Lewy's insistence on how Lewy intends to care for himself .
Lewy leans left to avoid the verbal jab proclaiming he could care for himself like he used to.
In a succession of beautifully placed verbal punches PMS gets nasty and reminds Lewy he can't even care for himself at home, then lists the dirty list of problems Lewy has.
Lewy with his gloves up insists that there is nothing wrong with him and he has every ability to care for himself.
PMS circles the ring asking Lewy why he doesn't do anything on his own then.
Lewy jabs with short stuttered incomplete sentences asking what PMS does for him.
PMS, taking a stunned shot to the head launches a tirade of all the things she does for Lewy from personal care to home improvement for Lewy's safety and comfort.
Lewy stumbles backward into silence for as while then takes a wild shot at PMS
keeping him under thumb, never wanting him to go anywhere or do anything.
PMS deflects Lewy's hit by reminding Lewy he chooses to stay home and never wants to do anything but stay in bed.
PMS launches an uppercut at Lewy by informing him that he is the one that chose to give up and just die.
Lewy then swings in with a confused glancing blow that leaves PMS herself reeling in confusion as Lewy once again takes off about the capgras house.
PMS is confused and realizes this is a no win battle she grabs her crying towel and both she and Lewy complain with headaches and go to neutral corners.
I am not sure who got the TKO as neither seemed victorious.
PMS surely doesn't feel like a winner.
In Lewy World everybody looses.
And I feel like the biggest loser of all.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Super Heroes
Hubby has no concept of time.
Time passed, time passing or time to come. Days, weeks, months ago could be a few mins ago to Hubby. An hour ago could be last week.
With no time concept Hubby is liable to do or want to do anything at any time.
The other night while we were lying in bed he decided he needed to shave. I am always happy to oblige this request as he hasn't the ability to do it on his own anymore, but 11:30 at night is a little late for me so I didn't offer. Hubby rose from the bed and walked into our bathroom then returned a short while later with a towel wrapped around his shoulders. Hubby made an announcement "I'm ready to take off"
Of course I laughed and asked where he was taking off too. He told me he had on his Superman Cape and clutched the towel. We both laughed and I got up to assist him with his shaving. After all, Who could say no to helping Superman? ;-)
Then there are occasions when he will get up at extremely early hours like yesterday.
Hubby had gotten up and ready for the day way before I ever got up and had any morning coffee. (never a good thing)
I found him sitting at the dining table going through the pictures I had laid out for scanning. I think I scanned about 100 new ones and added them to the digital picture frame. Hubby was very pleased with them and he and I sat and admired and talked about our lives that were flashing before our eyes.
I can not even begin to say how grateful I am for this awesome gift. A gift that reaches much farther than just a piece of technology. A gift that reached into the mind and heart of Hubby. Returning happy times and precious memories.
He then decided he needed to go outside and do some work on his car. He has his old car sitting outside on flat tires so I don't fear he will try to drive away. Nor do I believe he has the ability to fix the tires. He picked up a battery that was dead and carried it to the porch. He then connected the charger to it after filling the water levels in the battery. Then things got fuzzy. He wasn't sure how to turn the charger on so he came to me and asked for my help.
I was surprised he was able to lift the battery and carry it. He hasn't done anything remotely strenuous in a very very long time. Because he sleeps so much and never does anything, his muscles have all atrophied. These days any activity on his part causes him discomfort from sore muscles. He stays in chronic pain, I believe, mostly as a result of no daily physical activity. I will not go as far as to say that is the only reason.
Hubby piddled around with his car for a while then came inside. I had been checking on him and at one point he was leaned over in his trunk. Feet on the ground, knees still locked so I knew he was ok but I thought to myself , "His back will be killing him for sure." And sure enough just a matter of moments upon his entrance to the house he requested a BC Headache powder for his aching back.
A couple of hours later he requested another but I told him it was way too early for another as he had just taken one. He wasn't happy with this answer and quizzed me about the time. Hubby stayed up the rest of the day but never did go back outside for anything. Later in the evening he was still complaining about his back hurting so I offered him another BC. He looked at me a little annoyed and said. "You just told me I couldn't have one, it was too soon". I told him that it was a few hours earlier I had said that and enough time had lapsed for him to have another. Suspicious, he accepted my offer to get him a dose.
As a result of Hubby's movement he was able to have another movement ;-)
Because Hubby doesn't move enough and continues to have a good appetite when he is awake or raiding the refrigerator at night while he wanders, he suffers with constipation. I keep harping to him that he needs to drink more fluids and move more but my words just float away. If he is going to sleep all the time I almost wish he wouldn't eat so much. If he's going to stay awake I wish he would be more active.
I guess I'll just keep wishing and every 3rd day or so arm myself with the bathroom weapon of mass destruction as I assist "Superman", as his sidekick "Plunger Girl".
Time passed, time passing or time to come. Days, weeks, months ago could be a few mins ago to Hubby. An hour ago could be last week.
With no time concept Hubby is liable to do or want to do anything at any time.
The other night while we were lying in bed he decided he needed to shave. I am always happy to oblige this request as he hasn't the ability to do it on his own anymore, but 11:30 at night is a little late for me so I didn't offer. Hubby rose from the bed and walked into our bathroom then returned a short while later with a towel wrapped around his shoulders. Hubby made an announcement "I'm ready to take off"
Of course I laughed and asked where he was taking off too. He told me he had on his Superman Cape and clutched the towel. We both laughed and I got up to assist him with his shaving. After all, Who could say no to helping Superman? ;-)
Then there are occasions when he will get up at extremely early hours like yesterday.
Hubby had gotten up and ready for the day way before I ever got up and had any morning coffee. (never a good thing)
I found him sitting at the dining table going through the pictures I had laid out for scanning. I think I scanned about 100 new ones and added them to the digital picture frame. Hubby was very pleased with them and he and I sat and admired and talked about our lives that were flashing before our eyes.
I can not even begin to say how grateful I am for this awesome gift. A gift that reaches much farther than just a piece of technology. A gift that reached into the mind and heart of Hubby. Returning happy times and precious memories.
He then decided he needed to go outside and do some work on his car. He has his old car sitting outside on flat tires so I don't fear he will try to drive away. Nor do I believe he has the ability to fix the tires. He picked up a battery that was dead and carried it to the porch. He then connected the charger to it after filling the water levels in the battery. Then things got fuzzy. He wasn't sure how to turn the charger on so he came to me and asked for my help.
I was surprised he was able to lift the battery and carry it. He hasn't done anything remotely strenuous in a very very long time. Because he sleeps so much and never does anything, his muscles have all atrophied. These days any activity on his part causes him discomfort from sore muscles. He stays in chronic pain, I believe, mostly as a result of no daily physical activity. I will not go as far as to say that is the only reason.
Hubby piddled around with his car for a while then came inside. I had been checking on him and at one point he was leaned over in his trunk. Feet on the ground, knees still locked so I knew he was ok but I thought to myself , "His back will be killing him for sure." And sure enough just a matter of moments upon his entrance to the house he requested a BC Headache powder for his aching back.
A couple of hours later he requested another but I told him it was way too early for another as he had just taken one. He wasn't happy with this answer and quizzed me about the time. Hubby stayed up the rest of the day but never did go back outside for anything. Later in the evening he was still complaining about his back hurting so I offered him another BC. He looked at me a little annoyed and said. "You just told me I couldn't have one, it was too soon". I told him that it was a few hours earlier I had said that and enough time had lapsed for him to have another. Suspicious, he accepted my offer to get him a dose.
As a result of Hubby's movement he was able to have another movement ;-)
Because Hubby doesn't move enough and continues to have a good appetite when he is awake or raiding the refrigerator at night while he wanders, he suffers with constipation. I keep harping to him that he needs to drink more fluids and move more but my words just float away. If he is going to sleep all the time I almost wish he wouldn't eat so much. If he's going to stay awake I wish he would be more active.
I guess I'll just keep wishing and every 3rd day or so arm myself with the bathroom weapon of mass destruction as I assist "Superman", as his sidekick "Plunger Girl".
Monday, March 1, 2010
Don't forget to smile 2/15- 2/28
Feb 15: Got sucked into a TV show marathon so as Hubby slept by me I let time slip away. Finally realizing how late it was getting I scooted off to the kitchen and threw together some random food items for supper. Put it all on a platter with 2 forks. Spread a tablecloth across our bed and Hubby and I had a picnic. Our first :)
Feb 16: Hubby and I were eating fudgesicles in bed and I asked him to throw away my wrapper. He leaned too far over and nearly fell off the bed. He has a grab bar to help him get out of bed so he grabbed it. I asked, "You want me to help and grab the back of your pants?" Quickly sitting up at that offer he said "No". I didn't know he could sit up so quickly ;-)
Feb 17: Hubby tried to sneak up on me and scare me. Silly man. When I popped his balloon about it he decided to put a cold cola can on my skin !! BRRR!!! I didn't know I could move that quickly ;-)
Feb 18: Cruisin along in our automobile with no particular place to go. How I enjoy times we can just get up and go. It can certainly be an adventure. ;-)
Feb 19: Paid the price by having a busy day the day before. Bobby was so exhausted he slept all day
Feb 20: Hubby and I spent a while looking at and talking about the pics on the digital picture frame. He really enjoys it. I need to get a scanner so I can scan old pics and add them to it for him. :)
Feb 21: A day of sleep
Feb 22: Hubby walked outside by his own choice. A rarity for him. He was wearing his red housecoat so he put on his Razorback cap (He made a choice). He looked so cute. :)
Feb 23: Watched a show in which 2 guys spent the night in a lodge, one said, "Nothing personal" and then he passed a loud body function to which he said, "Scares off the bears" I laughed out loud and asked Hubby "Is that what you do honey, keep the bears away?" Hubby chuckled and said "Yep" to which I replied with a side ways glance, "Yeah, me too" We both just busted out laughing!! We are bear free ROFLOL!
Feb 24:
Feb 25:
Feb 26: After a couple of very quiet and at times difficult days, today all I shall say is even though my plans for hubby and I to go somewhere got killed, I appreciate that Hubby didn't want me to miss out and told me I could go alone. (Thanks to our daughter for helping me find a smile)
Feb 27: With no concept of time Hubby decided he needed to shave at 11PM. An ability he no longer has but went into the bathroom to accomplish. He walked out into the bedroom a short while later unshaven with a towel wrapped around his shoulders and announced he was ready to take off. He said he had on his "Superman cape" Who could say no to helping Superman shave? Not me :) UP UP AND AWAY!
Feb 16: Hubby and I were eating fudgesicles in bed and I asked him to throw away my wrapper. He leaned too far over and nearly fell off the bed. He has a grab bar to help him get out of bed so he grabbed it. I asked, "You want me to help and grab the back of your pants?" Quickly sitting up at that offer he said "No". I didn't know he could sit up so quickly ;-)
Feb 17: Hubby tried to sneak up on me and scare me. Silly man. When I popped his balloon about it he decided to put a cold cola can on my skin !! BRRR!!! I didn't know I could move that quickly ;-)
Feb 18: Cruisin along in our automobile with no particular place to go. How I enjoy times we can just get up and go. It can certainly be an adventure. ;-)
Feb 19: Paid the price by having a busy day the day before. Bobby was so exhausted he slept all day
Feb 20: Hubby and I spent a while looking at and talking about the pics on the digital picture frame. He really enjoys it. I need to get a scanner so I can scan old pics and add them to it for him. :)
Feb 21: A day of sleep
Feb 22: Hubby walked outside by his own choice. A rarity for him. He was wearing his red housecoat so he put on his Razorback cap (He made a choice). He looked so cute. :)
Feb 23: Watched a show in which 2 guys spent the night in a lodge, one said, "Nothing personal" and then he passed a loud body function to which he said, "Scares off the bears" I laughed out loud and asked Hubby "Is that what you do honey, keep the bears away?" Hubby chuckled and said "Yep" to which I replied with a side ways glance, "Yeah, me too" We both just busted out laughing!! We are bear free ROFLOL!
Feb 24:
Feb 25:
Feb 26: After a couple of very quiet and at times difficult days, today all I shall say is even though my plans for hubby and I to go somewhere got killed, I appreciate that Hubby didn't want me to miss out and told me I could go alone. (Thanks to our daughter for helping me find a smile)
Feb 27: With no concept of time Hubby decided he needed to shave at 11PM. An ability he no longer has but went into the bathroom to accomplish. He walked out into the bedroom a short while later unshaven with a towel wrapped around his shoulders and announced he was ready to take off. He said he had on his "Superman cape" Who could say no to helping Superman shave? Not me :) UP UP AND AWAY!
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Missing the clues
Hubby seemed to be experiencing a few days of extra confusion. He had a full day of wake one day. He had woken early and ordered his Malt O meal. He wandered around the house and decided he would go outside and look around. I haven't worried about him wandering away as he seems to feel pretty safe right here.
Later in the evening Hubby tried to engage in conversation. He wanted to know how long the 2 storage boxes in the front yard had been there.
They are actually old semi truck boxes that we purchased and he had delivered and set in the front yard.
Hubby then asked me "How long have you had them?"
I recalled to him where WE bought them from and approximately how long they had been there. I also told him about his having them placed and me not being here when they were or I would have had them placed elsewhere. I smiled at Hubby, he smiled back.
He then said "Yeah, they were telling me that they were mine"
I inquired as to who told him and when. His answer was he didn't remember but it was the other day.
Knowing we hadn't seen anybody the other day left me suspect to hallucinations.
This hasn't been the first time Hubby has talked about "they" telling him something. One of the distinguishing features of Lewy Body is the hallucinations.
Visual (seeing) auditory (hearing), olfactory (tasting), tactile (feeling something that isn’t there) or even precieved (A false or mistaken idea; a delusion).
Have you ever had that moment when you thought you heard someone call out your name so you went to that person to see what they wanted but it turned out they didn't say anything? You say "I could have sworn" and then pass it off as a different noise, perhaps something from the TV.
Hubby has had hallucinations before. Mostly the idea (delusions) that there are people in the house. Sometimes, to Hubby, actual people (visual), once a dog, have been in the house that he sees doing things. Once they took up my bed and left no room for Hubby. I informed Him that there was no room for anyone but him and me. Satisfied Hubby got into bed. Seldom does he talk about them, as somewhere in his mind Hubby knows these ideas are not quite right. But he does make reference to them on occasion that leads me to suspect hallucinations.
Like I said Hubby has had some more confused days but I almost had him convinced to attend a movie I have wanted to go see with me the other night. He backed out though. (clue #1) Our son supplied me with a much needed break so I could attend the movie. (the last movie I attended was 3 years ago with Hubby) I invited my sister and we had a wonderful time sharing popcorn and candy, giggling at each other in our 3D glasses and trying to reach out as if to touch the objects that appeared to be floating right by our face. It was a a wonderful break.
When I returned home, Son and Hubby were sitting up visiting. YAY! Before Son left Hubby was admiring Sons new wedding ring (his other got lost). At one time Hubby used to buy and sell jewelry and he began a conversation about it. The conversation led to another person now deceased and when I made that remark about them being gone Hubby argued with me about it. I back tracked everything I knew about said person and Hubby agreed with me just not the deceased part. Son only remembered vaguely this person so offered what information he had. After a while Hubby tried telling us about this persons 2 businesses. We were finally able to sort out that Hubby had 2 people merged into one. Hubby eventually realized his mistake. We all laughed about it but I guess I won't be getting the money Hubby bet me about deceased person.
Hubby went to the bathroom and Son told me that Hubby talked and talked while he was there (another YAY)
Son also said that Hubby was lonely.
This I know and have NO idea how to fix it beyond what I have tried to do. Sitting here now I wonder if it would be possible to hire a male companion to take Hubby to town once a week for coffee or hang out time.
After Son left, Hubby and I went to bed. Having a miserable night myself I was not surprised to find Hubby missing from the room when I woke completely and early. Since my snoring kept me awake most of the night I know Hubby was put out by it and went to find a quieter place. (I wish I could have gone with him)
This was the day we were going to take our road trip. As the morning moved on and my frustrations set in with each passing death of the precious get ready and go time, no Hubby emerged from the quiet room. As the afternoon passed still no signs of Hubby. That was fine with me because I was still hurt and annoyed about missing our plans. I had been in to check on him but asleep he was so I stood there long enough to make sure he was breathing. I don't get too alarmed at Hubby's staying asleep for such a long time, it happens. My aggravation and confusion came as a result of his refusal to get up when we (perhaps I should say I) had plans (clue #2). The planets all seemed to be aligned just yesterday :-/ (clue #3)
Suppertime came and went and darkness settled in.
I called Son to ask if Hubby seemed upset or distressed about anything in my absence. Son assured me all was well so I chalked it up to just a Lewy mood.
Once more I went to check on Hubby and deposit some things into the storage bedroom next to where Hubby was. I made the deposit rattling and moving boxes and bags. Then walked down the hall to where Hubby was and stepped in the door. It was dark so I stood there a moment trying to adjust my eyes to where I believed Hubby was sleeping. I called out to him and asked if he was OK and wanted anything. Upon hearing my voice Hubby stepped out of the closet. I never questioned him as to why he was standing in the closet in the dark. I can only think that he got scared by my movements in the other room and then heard me walking in his direction.
Hubby has never felt insecure here even though he doesn't know where he is much of the time.
This moment I felt he was. I have always taken comfort in the fact that he has never been afraid of being here or with me. This incident has now thrown a red flag for me.
Hubby answered my question with "yes' and that was all. I said OK and left.
Hubby emerged from the room to raid the refrigerator of the supper I had prepared and he ate standing up over the counter.
By this time Daughter, we were supposed to go and see, started her trek to come to us. What a blessing our children are. 3 grands in tow she arrived fairly late after a long days work, packing babies (ages 7,3 and 8 mo) and driving 3 hrs. She commented that having all boys made it easier to travel as she didn't have to try and locate gas stations ;-)
When she arrived Hubby came out of our bedroom, said hello and retreated. He stayed in there all except a few times her entire stay. Daughter is a Daddy's girl. I know this was hard for her. We had a wonderful visit and I got the opportunity to love on and spoil some boys. Life is good.
Later in the evening Hubby tried to engage in conversation. He wanted to know how long the 2 storage boxes in the front yard had been there.
They are actually old semi truck boxes that we purchased and he had delivered and set in the front yard.
Hubby then asked me "How long have you had them?"
I recalled to him where WE bought them from and approximately how long they had been there. I also told him about his having them placed and me not being here when they were or I would have had them placed elsewhere. I smiled at Hubby, he smiled back.
He then said "Yeah, they were telling me that they were mine"
I inquired as to who told him and when. His answer was he didn't remember but it was the other day.
Knowing we hadn't seen anybody the other day left me suspect to hallucinations.
This hasn't been the first time Hubby has talked about "they" telling him something. One of the distinguishing features of Lewy Body is the hallucinations.
Visual (seeing) auditory (hearing), olfactory (tasting), tactile (feeling something that isn’t there) or even precieved (A false or mistaken idea; a delusion).
Have you ever had that moment when you thought you heard someone call out your name so you went to that person to see what they wanted but it turned out they didn't say anything? You say "I could have sworn" and then pass it off as a different noise, perhaps something from the TV.
Hubby has had hallucinations before. Mostly the idea (delusions) that there are people in the house. Sometimes, to Hubby, actual people (visual), once a dog, have been in the house that he sees doing things. Once they took up my bed and left no room for Hubby. I informed Him that there was no room for anyone but him and me. Satisfied Hubby got into bed. Seldom does he talk about them, as somewhere in his mind Hubby knows these ideas are not quite right. But he does make reference to them on occasion that leads me to suspect hallucinations.
Like I said Hubby has had some more confused days but I almost had him convinced to attend a movie I have wanted to go see with me the other night. He backed out though. (clue #1) Our son supplied me with a much needed break so I could attend the movie. (the last movie I attended was 3 years ago with Hubby) I invited my sister and we had a wonderful time sharing popcorn and candy, giggling at each other in our 3D glasses and trying to reach out as if to touch the objects that appeared to be floating right by our face. It was a a wonderful break.
When I returned home, Son and Hubby were sitting up visiting. YAY! Before Son left Hubby was admiring Sons new wedding ring (his other got lost). At one time Hubby used to buy and sell jewelry and he began a conversation about it. The conversation led to another person now deceased and when I made that remark about them being gone Hubby argued with me about it. I back tracked everything I knew about said person and Hubby agreed with me just not the deceased part. Son only remembered vaguely this person so offered what information he had. After a while Hubby tried telling us about this persons 2 businesses. We were finally able to sort out that Hubby had 2 people merged into one. Hubby eventually realized his mistake. We all laughed about it but I guess I won't be getting the money Hubby bet me about deceased person.
Hubby went to the bathroom and Son told me that Hubby talked and talked while he was there (another YAY)
Son also said that Hubby was lonely.
This I know and have NO idea how to fix it beyond what I have tried to do. Sitting here now I wonder if it would be possible to hire a male companion to take Hubby to town once a week for coffee or hang out time.
After Son left, Hubby and I went to bed. Having a miserable night myself I was not surprised to find Hubby missing from the room when I woke completely and early. Since my snoring kept me awake most of the night I know Hubby was put out by it and went to find a quieter place. (I wish I could have gone with him)
This was the day we were going to take our road trip. As the morning moved on and my frustrations set in with each passing death of the precious get ready and go time, no Hubby emerged from the quiet room. As the afternoon passed still no signs of Hubby. That was fine with me because I was still hurt and annoyed about missing our plans. I had been in to check on him but asleep he was so I stood there long enough to make sure he was breathing. I don't get too alarmed at Hubby's staying asleep for such a long time, it happens. My aggravation and confusion came as a result of his refusal to get up when we (perhaps I should say I) had plans (clue #2). The planets all seemed to be aligned just yesterday :-/ (clue #3)
Suppertime came and went and darkness settled in.
I called Son to ask if Hubby seemed upset or distressed about anything in my absence. Son assured me all was well so I chalked it up to just a Lewy mood.
Once more I went to check on Hubby and deposit some things into the storage bedroom next to where Hubby was. I made the deposit rattling and moving boxes and bags. Then walked down the hall to where Hubby was and stepped in the door. It was dark so I stood there a moment trying to adjust my eyes to where I believed Hubby was sleeping. I called out to him and asked if he was OK and wanted anything. Upon hearing my voice Hubby stepped out of the closet. I never questioned him as to why he was standing in the closet in the dark. I can only think that he got scared by my movements in the other room and then heard me walking in his direction.
Hubby has never felt insecure here even though he doesn't know where he is much of the time.
This moment I felt he was. I have always taken comfort in the fact that he has never been afraid of being here or with me. This incident has now thrown a red flag for me.
Hubby answered my question with "yes' and that was all. I said OK and left.
Hubby emerged from the room to raid the refrigerator of the supper I had prepared and he ate standing up over the counter.
By this time Daughter, we were supposed to go and see, started her trek to come to us. What a blessing our children are. 3 grands in tow she arrived fairly late after a long days work, packing babies (ages 7,3 and 8 mo) and driving 3 hrs. She commented that having all boys made it easier to travel as she didn't have to try and locate gas stations ;-)
When she arrived Hubby came out of our bedroom, said hello and retreated. He stayed in there all except a few times her entire stay. Daughter is a Daddy's girl. I know this was hard for her. We had a wonderful visit and I got the opportunity to love on and spoil some boys. Life is good.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Precious memories
A blessing of magnitude was showered upon Hubby and me today.
Some wonderful and precious people gifted us with a scanner.
Hubby enjoys watching our digital photo frame and I had made mention that I would like to get a scanner so I could scan old photos and put them on the frame for Hubby to see. This gifter wanted to share the blessings they themselves had been showered with.
I have a difficult time accepting gifts from others. My first instinct was to object and refuse then insist no. Then I thought about how I would feel if I wanted to gift to someone.
Hubby and I were blessed to be on the receiving end of this great gift from these special people who could relate to our circumstances. They had been blessed so many times that they wanted to share in that.
They reached out to us and said, I am here, you are not alone, I understand.
They reminded me that God loves me.
It is always good to be reminded about these things as many times care giving feels so isolating.
I struggle to find the words that could express my feelings other than "I love you", which still feels inadequate, I am at a loss.
I am so excited to get this scanner going. It has the potential to restore or even jog a few memories, precious memories that Lewy has stolen from or clouded in the mind of Hubby.
Some I know will be gone forever but I am sure some will be validated as reality and not dreams or just thoughts. So tonight I will go through all of my old photos so I can scan and save them to the digital picture frame Hubby enjoys watching. I can't wait until he sits down with me and we get a chance to talk about them.
We are truly blessed.
Some wonderful and precious people gifted us with a scanner.
Hubby enjoys watching our digital photo frame and I had made mention that I would like to get a scanner so I could scan old photos and put them on the frame for Hubby to see. This gifter wanted to share the blessings they themselves had been showered with.
I have a difficult time accepting gifts from others. My first instinct was to object and refuse then insist no. Then I thought about how I would feel if I wanted to gift to someone.
Hubby and I were blessed to be on the receiving end of this great gift from these special people who could relate to our circumstances. They had been blessed so many times that they wanted to share in that.
They reached out to us and said, I am here, you are not alone, I understand.
They reminded me that God loves me.
It is always good to be reminded about these things as many times care giving feels so isolating.
I struggle to find the words that could express my feelings other than "I love you", which still feels inadequate, I am at a loss.
I am so excited to get this scanner going. It has the potential to restore or even jog a few memories, precious memories that Lewy has stolen from or clouded in the mind of Hubby.
Some I know will be gone forever but I am sure some will be validated as reality and not dreams or just thoughts. So tonight I will go through all of my old photos so I can scan and save them to the digital picture frame Hubby enjoys watching. I can't wait until he sits down with me and we get a chance to talk about them.
We are truly blessed.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Even the best layed plans...
I sat down here to go off on a tirade about how miserable my day was and how frustrated I felt. Enough so that at one point I wanted to throw up my hands and say fine, I quit!
The reality is that yes I am extremely frustrated but I don't intend to quiet.
Hubby and I made plans to attend a racecar show this weekend. Hubby loves the races. Or at least he did. There was a time in his life he used to drive dirt track. He was pretty good in his day and he enjoyed bragging about it. He even raced on the same track with a young and upcoming driver that surpassed him and went on to bigger and better things. Mr Mark Martin. A young "kid that could barely see over the wheel", Hubby would say. Even though Hubby and Mark never raced together, as they were in two different race classes, Hubby sure liked to talk about those days. A few years ago Marks Promo car passed through town on the back of a hauler and stopped at a local gas station. Hubby was there when it did and he had his picture taken beside the car. He is still proud of that picture and brings it to me to see every now and then. I miss that he doesn't talk about it anymore.
I like dirt track racing myself. There is nothing like the feeling of loud motors vibrating through your body or the taste of a heat lamp hamburger with ketchup and dust. That sounds terrible I know but I really love the races.
We also intended to double our pleasure, double our fun because we were going to see our grandchildren. We hadn't seen these since Christmas and I was so looking forward to spending some precious time with them.
Perhaps another day.
The plan was to take the 3 hr drive, spend the evening with our family, a night in a hotel and attend the car show tomorrow.
Our reason for going the day early was because it takes such a long time to get prepared to go anywhere. 2 hrs at the least and usually exhaustion sets in by the time Hubby is dressed, shaved, combed, fed etc etc.
The show was going to start early in the day so that would have meant getting up extra early to accomplish those tasks and beginning the day hurried and have a very long ride.
I had a set time I wanted to leave that would allow us to arrive at our destination while still daylight. I do not like night driving. A hotel, for our convenience, could be found and we could get up and not rush to be at the show, be able to enjoy it and Hubby could sleep on the ride home.
Hurry is not a word used around here anymore. Oddly, I used to be the one ready right on the dot, Hubby was always reminding me of the time and trying to get me to rush. He never wanted to be late for anything. Now that time and space have no meaning for Hubby he moves at the slowest pace unaware. The more I attempt to hurry Hubby the more anxious he becomes. the more anxious he becomes the slower he gets. It's a no win so I try and allow all the time possible to do anything. Should I miss the 2 hr window even by 5 minsutes you can forget whatever plans were made. Hence, today.
I woke Hubby in plenty of time to prepare him something to eat and still have his good 2 hr window. 15 mins passed and still he would not get out of bed. 15 mins more I had passed and he went to the bathroom. YAY! I thought, a good sign. 15 mins later still no Hubby. I found him back in bed. Not a good sign. I asked Hubby if he was Ok. He seemed to take an extra long time to respond to my question and when he did he said "yeah". I reminded him we were supposed to go somewhere and we had a time we wanted to leave. He lay in the bed a long time with no movement or answer. I walked away and returned once more, 15 mins later, to ask if he was getting up, to which he said "You can go ahead and go if you want". Trying to reason with Lewy is impossible.
By then we had reached the 2 hr window. Anxiety high already I turned and walked away from Hubby. Apparently my anxiety found a way of escape through my eyes. Highly disappointed and frustrated I wanted to walk out the door get into my car and drive away.
Perhaps I should have gotten out and walked up and down the driveway but instead I filled my frustration, sadness and disappointment with food.
Hubby still sleeps and I have tried all day to come to grips with the hatefulness of Lewy. I want to yell at it and shake it hard but how do you make a dying brain understand? I have to learn to separate the disease from my Hubby. Sometimes a difficult thing to do as Hubby was able to get very stubborn and hateful without the help of Lewy. So once more I absorb the feelings.
I try to keep a smile journal. I wondered what I had to smile about today. Thanks to my daughter she was able to help me. She said, Well, at least he said you could go by yourself. We thought it was funny because in his health, he never wanted me to go anywhere by myself.
The reality is that yes I am extremely frustrated but I don't intend to quiet.
Hubby and I made plans to attend a racecar show this weekend. Hubby loves the races. Or at least he did. There was a time in his life he used to drive dirt track. He was pretty good in his day and he enjoyed bragging about it. He even raced on the same track with a young and upcoming driver that surpassed him and went on to bigger and better things. Mr Mark Martin. A young "kid that could barely see over the wheel", Hubby would say. Even though Hubby and Mark never raced together, as they were in two different race classes, Hubby sure liked to talk about those days. A few years ago Marks Promo car passed through town on the back of a hauler and stopped at a local gas station. Hubby was there when it did and he had his picture taken beside the car. He is still proud of that picture and brings it to me to see every now and then. I miss that he doesn't talk about it anymore.
I like dirt track racing myself. There is nothing like the feeling of loud motors vibrating through your body or the taste of a heat lamp hamburger with ketchup and dust. That sounds terrible I know but I really love the races.
We also intended to double our pleasure, double our fun because we were going to see our grandchildren. We hadn't seen these since Christmas and I was so looking forward to spending some precious time with them.
Perhaps another day.
The plan was to take the 3 hr drive, spend the evening with our family, a night in a hotel and attend the car show tomorrow.
Our reason for going the day early was because it takes such a long time to get prepared to go anywhere. 2 hrs at the least and usually exhaustion sets in by the time Hubby is dressed, shaved, combed, fed etc etc.
The show was going to start early in the day so that would have meant getting up extra early to accomplish those tasks and beginning the day hurried and have a very long ride.
I had a set time I wanted to leave that would allow us to arrive at our destination while still daylight. I do not like night driving. A hotel, for our convenience, could be found and we could get up and not rush to be at the show, be able to enjoy it and Hubby could sleep on the ride home.
Hurry is not a word used around here anymore. Oddly, I used to be the one ready right on the dot, Hubby was always reminding me of the time and trying to get me to rush. He never wanted to be late for anything. Now that time and space have no meaning for Hubby he moves at the slowest pace unaware. The more I attempt to hurry Hubby the more anxious he becomes. the more anxious he becomes the slower he gets. It's a no win so I try and allow all the time possible to do anything. Should I miss the 2 hr window even by 5 minsutes you can forget whatever plans were made. Hence, today.
I woke Hubby in plenty of time to prepare him something to eat and still have his good 2 hr window. 15 mins passed and still he would not get out of bed. 15 mins more I had passed and he went to the bathroom. YAY! I thought, a good sign. 15 mins later still no Hubby. I found him back in bed. Not a good sign. I asked Hubby if he was Ok. He seemed to take an extra long time to respond to my question and when he did he said "yeah". I reminded him we were supposed to go somewhere and we had a time we wanted to leave. He lay in the bed a long time with no movement or answer. I walked away and returned once more, 15 mins later, to ask if he was getting up, to which he said "You can go ahead and go if you want". Trying to reason with Lewy is impossible.
By then we had reached the 2 hr window. Anxiety high already I turned and walked away from Hubby. Apparently my anxiety found a way of escape through my eyes. Highly disappointed and frustrated I wanted to walk out the door get into my car and drive away.
Perhaps I should have gotten out and walked up and down the driveway but instead I filled my frustration, sadness and disappointment with food.
Hubby still sleeps and I have tried all day to come to grips with the hatefulness of Lewy. I want to yell at it and shake it hard but how do you make a dying brain understand? I have to learn to separate the disease from my Hubby. Sometimes a difficult thing to do as Hubby was able to get very stubborn and hateful without the help of Lewy. So once more I absorb the feelings.
I try to keep a smile journal. I wondered what I had to smile about today. Thanks to my daughter she was able to help me. She said, Well, at least he said you could go by yourself. We thought it was funny because in his health, he never wanted me to go anywhere by myself.
Monday, February 22, 2010
The Talk
The subject was discussed again while looking at the digital picture frame. Hubby really enjoys looking at it and talking about the people in the pictures and the places they were taken.
I always get tickled when a photo I did not take personally but have possession of pops up and he will ask me where it was taken. Having no idea I tell him I do not know. Hubby gets a little suspicious at this answer. He thinks if I have the picture I had to have taken it and I just don't want to tell him about it.
He likes to talk about the things in the background. In particular we have a photo of a grandson on a lawn mower we used to own. Hubby asks me where that mower is now.
We talk about the kids and grandkids. Our families and our friends.
I even have some random photos of our cats and home before and after we did the new roof and siding.
Hubby recognizes the before picture of our home as where he used to live but most of the time thinks the after picture is of a different house.
There are photos of the snow we have gotten and a big beautiful moon that comes up just at the end of our driveway. It's stunningly beautiful and I am awed every time I see it come up as though it has risen from the field across the street and sitting on the ground in our driveway.
I used to tell my children that their Daddy loves me so much he gave me the moon.
I posted a picture of my moon once commenting that it was nice to have something that gave me a little peace since we had had some pretty bad days at the beginning of Hubby's illness.
Our oldest daughter in an effort to be supportive and loving made the comment "Awww, the moon Daddy gave you" to which I replied, in my sarcastic and glib way I have. "Yep, Daddy moons me almost every night" We both laughed about that comment! She also informed me that was TMI! Too Much Information (giggle) 'What?" LOL! ;-)
So as Hubby and I were watching parts of our lives flash before our eyes, a picture of my mother (now deceased) popped up. Hubby has lost the connection relating me with my mother. He remembers her as familiar and has a difficult time recalling her name but can not make the connection that she is my mother. During our conversation about her he got her confused with a good friend of his (now deceased) thinking perhaps my mother was his friend or that my mother was related to his friend. I don't think we ever got it straightened out. The longer I kept trying to sort it out, I may have even gotten confused ;-)
What he did recall was the fact that she (both of them) was deceased and her remains had been cremated. This is what started "The Talk".
Hubby and I have had the talk several times before. We have both decided that we would like to be cremated when we pass away. We stated many reasons from cost, plot care even to visitors. We concluded that it was the best option for us. I am grateful that Hubby is and was willing to discuss such a sensitive subject at the beginning of his illness and that he can still remember what his wishes are. Death is not something we can hide from, sweep under the rug or avoid. We should all make plans for it or at least discuss our wishes with loved ones.
Knowing what my spouse wants will not make the loss of him, should he go before me, any easier but I will not have doubts as to whether I am doing the things he wanted or not. I have relayed this information to our children also so they are not surprised when the time comes or they will know how to proceed should the duty fall to them to take care of.
Hubby has made one request. He asked me to make sure his dress pants and shirt were cleaned. When I asked his reason why he said, So he could dress nice for the ride. I took them to the cleaners and he has been satisfied that they are hanging in the closet wrapped in their plastic.
My father suggested that when he passes away he himself would like to be cremated and turned into a diamond. I thought he was crazy when he suggested it but I looked into it at Life Gems.
I have boasted about the fact that my maternal grandmother was named OPAL and a my Paternal Grandmother was named RUBY so that makes me a true gem. An option that seems a fitting end to my mortal existence. Although, I wonder if I should be concerned about being stolen and pawned.
I always get tickled when a photo I did not take personally but have possession of pops up and he will ask me where it was taken. Having no idea I tell him I do not know. Hubby gets a little suspicious at this answer. He thinks if I have the picture I had to have taken it and I just don't want to tell him about it.
He likes to talk about the things in the background. In particular we have a photo of a grandson on a lawn mower we used to own. Hubby asks me where that mower is now.
We talk about the kids and grandkids. Our families and our friends.
I even have some random photos of our cats and home before and after we did the new roof and siding.
Hubby recognizes the before picture of our home as where he used to live but most of the time thinks the after picture is of a different house.
There are photos of the snow we have gotten and a big beautiful moon that comes up just at the end of our driveway. It's stunningly beautiful and I am awed every time I see it come up as though it has risen from the field across the street and sitting on the ground in our driveway.
I used to tell my children that their Daddy loves me so much he gave me the moon.
Our oldest daughter in an effort to be supportive and loving made the comment "Awww, the moon Daddy gave you" to which I replied, in my sarcastic and glib way I have. "Yep, Daddy moons me almost every night" We both laughed about that comment! She also informed me that was TMI! Too Much Information (giggle) 'What?" LOL! ;-)
So as Hubby and I were watching parts of our lives flash before our eyes, a picture of my mother (now deceased) popped up. Hubby has lost the connection relating me with my mother. He remembers her as familiar and has a difficult time recalling her name but can not make the connection that she is my mother. During our conversation about her he got her confused with a good friend of his (now deceased) thinking perhaps my mother was his friend or that my mother was related to his friend. I don't think we ever got it straightened out. The longer I kept trying to sort it out, I may have even gotten confused ;-)
What he did recall was the fact that she (both of them) was deceased and her remains had been cremated. This is what started "The Talk".
Hubby and I have had the talk several times before. We have both decided that we would like to be cremated when we pass away. We stated many reasons from cost, plot care even to visitors. We concluded that it was the best option for us. I am grateful that Hubby is and was willing to discuss such a sensitive subject at the beginning of his illness and that he can still remember what his wishes are. Death is not something we can hide from, sweep under the rug or avoid. We should all make plans for it or at least discuss our wishes with loved ones.
Knowing what my spouse wants will not make the loss of him, should he go before me, any easier but I will not have doubts as to whether I am doing the things he wanted or not. I have relayed this information to our children also so they are not surprised when the time comes or they will know how to proceed should the duty fall to them to take care of.
Hubby has made one request. He asked me to make sure his dress pants and shirt were cleaned. When I asked his reason why he said, So he could dress nice for the ride. I took them to the cleaners and he has been satisfied that they are hanging in the closet wrapped in their plastic.
My father suggested that when he passes away he himself would like to be cremated and turned into a diamond. I thought he was crazy when he suggested it but I looked into it at Life Gems.
I have boasted about the fact that my maternal grandmother was named OPAL and a my Paternal Grandmother was named RUBY so that makes me a true gem. An option that seems a fitting end to my mortal existence. Although, I wonder if I should be concerned about being stolen and pawned.
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