Disclaimer

This is dementia. It's not just a memory problem.
What you read in this blog is purely my own personal experience in dealing with Lewy Body Dementia every day.

This is not meant to offer any medical or legal advise.
I have no professional training in care giving or experiences in formal writing.
I'm just a woman that loves her husband deeply and wants to provide him with the best quality of life he can and chooses to have.
My prayer though this is "Lord, What am I learning from this; how can I use it help someone else and to glorify You?"
If just one person finds comfort in this public blog. I will feel like it was a success.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Red Light, Green Light

When I was a young girl we played this game called Red Light, Green Light.

One person was 'It" while the rest of the kids lined up in a horizontal line a ways off but withing hearing distance and as "It" turned their back on the line and shouted "Green Light!", the line would move as fast as possible toward "It".
"It' would shout "Red Light!" and the entire line would have to freeze in their tracks.
If upon turning around "It" spotted someone still moving that person was out.
So the succession of moving forward very quickly and sudden halts continued until someone reached and tagged "It" and was declared a winner.
I learned the hard way that running wasn't the best option as it was harder to come to a complete stop when necessary and I didn't like being "out".

These days  I feel like I'm playing Red Light Green Light with my emotions and Lewy is "It"

The last few days have been fraught with Hubby's anxiety about driving. His wanting too and my insistence he shouldn't. Needless to say the tension in the house has been very taut at times.

There are times when it seems finding a way to drive is all Hubby thinks about. He dwells on it, talks about it plans for it. My refusal to help him accomplish that goal is met with anger and frustration. The anger and frustration are then matched by my own.

What I find the oddest about it is that I have handled (or seem to handle) any other issue with Hubby fairly well.
I don't make issue of other things but perhaps those other things don't feel like they are a danger to the well being of Hubby. I seek solutions to make Hubby's life more convenient and comfortable. Hubby hasn't always wanted to concede to them but in the long run did with little to no objection and was happy he did.

 But not driving? Being carried around by his wife everywhere? He will not hear of it.
If you listen to him I have made his life harder. I am keeping him under my thumb and won't let him do anything. I don't do anything for him anyway and he is quite capable of taking care of himself.

Lewy Yells

"Green Light!": Tempers and feelings begin to boil charging full steam ahead. I have really prayed to be able to keep my focus at times like that especially. Like the game I have learned that full blown yelling and verbal tantrums do nothing but leave me still in motion when Lewy yells...

"Red Light!":  it is then that neutral corners are taken and Hubby wanders away. I, still frozen after my emotional upheaval waiting for the next green light only to be approached by Hubby to assist him with something he can't do. His child like approach for the chore causes my emotions to have to switch just like a switch. Hubby will stay in this red light phase for a while then reapproach me about my continuous control of him.

"Green Light!" Once again defenses go up and emotions take the quickened pace forward.

"Red Light!": Hubby once again retreats leaving me screeching in my tracks.
Hubby stays gone a while this time. I sit and stew leaving Hubby confused as to why I am upset. Hubby decides he needs to tell me something he found amusing about the cats or the dogs. Once again emotional switch.

The cycle continues.

Sadly Lewy has taught Hubby the rules of the game on how to "freeze".  (forget)
I on the other hand keep watching as Lewy steps farther and farther away making it impossible to be able to catch up and tag him. All I can do is be as still as possible and continue to pray for the strength to get through this time.

I wish this verse would pop in my head a little quicker at those times.
"Be still and know that I am God". Psalm 46:10

3 comments:

  1. Gosh you amaze me! You really truly do.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Wow, Kathy, wow. Speechless. Love you.

    ReplyDelete
  3. This one got to me as I remembered when Mom would tell me when she was in that mode, "That man doesn't love me."

    It's hard, but you're doing great. Always remember it's Lewy and not hubby who is doing this.

    Sending you hugs and love.

    ReplyDelete

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