The Days of our Life

Thought I would share a few smiles that came our way over the last couple weeks.

While talking on the phone with our youngest daughter one evening, Hubby decided to talk to me too. He saw me with the phone to my ear and even asked who I was talking to. Our daughter sent her love which I forwarded and he returned. He continued talking and asking me questions about nothing in particular until I finally told our daughter I had to let her go so I could concentrate on what Hubby was saying. When I hung up, he said in a disgusted tone "Oh, you hung up on me!" then he stopped talking!

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Hubby is completely shocked one night when he learned my last name is the same as his but he thinks I'm pulling his leg! ROFLOL!!

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You know you're a caregiver when you let your 3 yr old grandson help take care of Pappaw by holding and trading off care supplies . When the job is finished, you tell your grandson "Good Job!" and the two of you High Five as he exclaims, "That's Teamwork!"

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Very early one morning I was trying to get a cup of coffee down when Hubby gave me my "orders" for breakfast. When I walked in the room with the sausage biscuits I noticed he was sleeping. The thought crossed my mind it yell very loudly "ORDER UP" but enough of the coffee had kicked in to combat that feeling. #lovemymorningcoffee

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FINALLY decided to paint the wall in my bedroom today! Now Hubby and I are watching paint dry and seriously, it's the highlight of our day because we noticed a spot I missed :)

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 Interesting evening here. Hubby thinks it's morning and try as I may he will not be changed. Oldest daughter called and even she tried to speak to him on the phone but he told he he didn't like to talk that early in the day. LOL!! He thinks it's funny that I served him supper instead of coffee and breakfast. He's even asking if Brother in Law thinks it's funny to have soup before he goes to school.I believe that to Hubby, it's funny and he is humoring me in my mistake ROFLOL!!!

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Completely agitated at myself for putting something in the oven, setting the timer and walking outside getting occupied!
No burn up when time dawned on me but the timer was beeping like crazy and Hubby and BIL were just standing in the doorway. I nearly knocked them down to get to the oven sputtering that nobody came to get me!
Hubby, after saying "huh?" several times, didn't know why he needed to get me and BIL just started at me.
Frustrated I barked, "Didn't you hear the timer?!"
Hubby said "No" 

I asked why he was standing in the door.

His answer, "I didn't know where you were.
I still sputtered as I removed the food. then Hubby annoyed with me said "I don't know what's wrong with you."
AGAIN I repeated my frustration and walked away from them.
Hubby called me back and said "Honey, I love you"
All I can do is laugh. ROFLOL!!!

 

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Trying to get me (limited coffee) BIL (Mr slow poke) and Hubby (Mr "Huh?") all corralled into the car for a Dr appointment this morning was like being in an episode of the 3 Stooges. Finally got BIL to school and Hubby to the Dr.
By the time we got there Hubby was wound up and acting silly. He asked for extra assistance to get out of the car so I reached in and took hold of his hand while I braced the wheelchair. He leaned forward, gave me a sly look, let go of my hand and fell back into the seat. Then proceeded to whine like a child "Ohhh she let go of me and made me fall back, she's abusing me" then started laughing like a little girl!
I started laughing and tried to help again but my laughter made me lose my grip and then he did fall back into the seat.
More "Whining" about a "boo boo on my finger" and more laughter.
MAN what a morning!! Came home and took a 2 hr nap!

 

So you see, it's not all bad around here :)

***Angry, me this time but not what you think***

A call to the Dr this morning leaves me with an anxious heart.

Dr tells me that he and staff believe Hubby is in the beginning of end stages of his Lewy Body Dementia and recommended placement.
I was a little taken back by that.
In my mind Hubby needs to be bed bound in the end stages.
Unable to communicate and needs fed.
In my eyes, this is what end stage looks like.

But I suppose end stages start somewhere.

I've chewed these words all day.
I am not ready to hear this.
I am not ready to surrender.
My heart says I may not win the war but I can win the current battle.
Perhaps it's the fighter in me?
Perhaps it's my own superwoman complex?

I have seen & read where other caregivers were at the end of their ropes dealing with difficult combative behaviors, be they  physical or verbal from family members.
My heart ached for them as they struggled to hang on one more day. I prayed for the peace of not only them but their caree.
There were times I questioned, to myself, if they held on too long before placement.
Their own health seemed to be fading and their peace of mind was slipping away.

I remember the decision we had to make concerning my MIL when she had to be placed.
And I remember the reasons we made it.
All logical and in her best interest.

I've wondered all day, am I not seeing something others are?
Did Dr rush to a solution?

His points were valid and I acknowledge them.
One concern was that Hubby "may" get agitated enough to want to cause me injury but hurting himself in the process.
Dr was right, if that happened I would feel terribly guilty if Hubby fell and broke a bone because he was mad at me.
We never know what a person with dementia is capable of.

He thought it would be better for placement while Hubby could still make the adjustment with lesser distress.

My mind is racing and my heart is screaming NO!
I am not ready, not now.

I'm angry.
I'm angry because even though I thought I was, I am not emotionally prepared to deal with this thought.
I am angry because I can't find a way around the anxiety without feeling like I am jeopardizing Hubby's condition and making it worse.
I'm angry because Lewy caught me off guard and left me rattled.
But I'm most angry because I allowed myself to be swept up in the feeling all day and evening.
 A complete waste of a day.

The good things about days end, is another is on the way.
Today I may be shaken, but I'm not going down.

I Surrender

Hubby has been convinced for quite some time now, that he is being held in a V.A. Home and I am his caregiver (jailer).

Whenever he makes a comment about where we are, who's house this is, or a reference to "your house"  I have always corrected him in that the house belongs to us. In moments of frustrated proving, I've even pulled out paperwork to the fact but Hubby just says I have forged his name or tricked him into signing something.
 Since we have been dealing with extra anxiety lately I have decided to surrender to his delusion that the house belongs to me.
I have already accepted that he does not know who I am and instead of correcting him about the house I will just answer the questions or handle the statements as they are. The house is mine, our location is..
This hurts because I know I can prove to Hubby these things but I cant penetrate his beliefs so I must let go of it and watch Lewy steal it away.
In doing so there is less anxiety for both Hubby and myself. The anxiety of his belief we (Me Myself and I, remember there are 3 of us now) are tricking and confusing him is lessened as well as the anxiety of my desire to be right. I don't always have to be right, mumbles eventhoughIamaboutthis.

Some days dealing with Hubby's confusion is like trying to hold sand in a wind storm.
Some days he amazes me with what he does remember.

Tonight I am tired and a little sad because I feel like I've been lost forever in Hubby's mind. Part of me always wanted to believe I was in there somewhere in the deepest parts. And that may be true in the fact that he feels like I'm his security and comes looking for me when I'm out of the room even though he gets angry at me. Or perhaps he is hoping I finally flew the coop and he can make his get away ;-)
I'm also sad (jealous may be a better word) that he remembers people he met and knew for short periods of time and places he has been once in his life, but our home is no longer his.

I will try not to dwell on the negative.
As always I will regroup and adapt as needed.
But first, I think I'll have a donut.

Denied

So it's official.
Hubby received his official decision from the Veterans Association regarding Aide and Attendance and the word is that although he does need 24 hr care he does not qualify for it since his condition is not part of his service connected disability. I was aware this would be the road block.
SO...
Onward we go just like we have in the past. And that's okay :)

I did learn one thing in the decision.
Apparently his records indicate that he was showing signs of dementia in Jan 2005.
How was I blind to this?!

Oh well, I'm not going to dwell on it as a negative.
I'm going to concentrate on the here and now and I am FULLY going to concentrate on his words to me last night.

I thought he was asleep when I crawled into bed.
He stirred and rolled over toward me and said,
"You know, I sure do love you."

You know what Hubby? "I love you too" :)
And I gave him a good night kiss.

6 words, first word, 1 syllable, sounds like...

 LBDA explains dementia as a process whereby the person becomes progressively confused. The earliest signs are usually memory problems, changes in their way of speaking, such as forgetting words, and personality problems. Cognitive symptoms of dementia include poor problem solving, difficulty with learning new skills and impaired decision making.

Communication problems are a major problem when dealing with anyone with a dementia problem.
If you have ever tried to talk with a person with dementia you know what I mean.

With Lewy Body the problem seems even more frustrating when a very logical conversation is happening and it suddenly changes into the a jumbled mess of nonsense leaving both me and Hubby confused as I try to sort through what he was trying to say. Sometimes I'm pretty good at understanding his needs even if what he says doesn't match up. One way conversations are becoming the norm but I still try and talk to him about things. I know he is unable to make all major decisions but when we take a rare opportunity to eat out I still tell him what is on the menu and there are even times he can make a very simple decision by answering "no" to what he doesn't want.

On those rare eating out occasions I like to take him to his familiar restaurant. A place he visited daily to have coffee with friends and shoot the breeze. Every day 3PM for several years.  It is user friendly to Bobby and very attentive to our needs. Small and intimate, just what we require. Many of those friends are now deceased or have dropped out of his life for various reasons. But the restaurant is still a stomping ground he knows.

Our waitresses are patient with the length of time it takes us to decide things and finish eating. They never complain about how high maintenance we have become and they are rewarded for it.

Since communicating is so obviously difficult I have noticed that people talk to me when they want to know something about Hubby. I usually turn to Hubby, ask him if he heard what was said, repeat it in a simple but non childlike way then look back at the person. Not only have I noticed this at eating establishments but also the Dr offices, or when we run into people we know and I am not happy about it. I wish that people understood that Hubby is not invisible. He is still in there, locked in someplace. He just can't get out.

Hubby has lost so many "friends" (actual and so called) as mentioned. Death, fear, the opportunity to take advantage now gone, their own lives and hardships and many more reasons I am sure keep them away. This breaks my heart.

One of the more important things I wish to learn from this life experience it is that I want to be a better friend. I pray I do learn that, I pray I have been doing that even in my limited ability by reaching out to others in need, being an e-shoulder or an e-ear. I want to be the friend the Bible teaches me to be.

Proverbs 17:7(a) ; A friend loves at all times...