Dr tells me that he and staff believe Hubby is in the beginning of end stages of his Lewy Body Dementia and recommended placement.
I was a little taken back by that.
In my mind Hubby needs to be bed bound in the end stages.
Unable to communicate and needs fed.
In my eyes, this is what end stage looks like.
But I suppose end stages start somewhere.
I've chewed these words all day.
I am not ready to hear this.
I am not ready to surrender.
My heart says I may not win the war but I can win the current battle.
Perhaps it's the fighter in me?
Perhaps it's my own superwoman complex?
I have seen & read where other caregivers were at the end of their ropes dealing with difficult combative behaviors, be they physical or verbal from family members.
My heart ached for them as they struggled to hang on one more day. I prayed for the peace of not only them but their caree.
There were times I questioned, to myself, if they held on too long before placement.
Their own health seemed to be fading and their peace of mind was slipping away.
I remember the decision we had to make concerning my MIL when she had to be placed.
And I remember the reasons we made it.
All logical and in her best interest.
I've wondered all day, am I not seeing something others are?
Did Dr rush to a solution?
His points were valid and I acknowledge them.
One concern was that Hubby "may" get agitated enough to want to cause me injury but hurting himself in the process.
Dr was right, if that happened I would feel terribly guilty if Hubby fell and broke a bone because he was mad at me.
We never know what a person with dementia is capable of.
He thought it would be better for placement while Hubby could still make the adjustment with lesser distress.
My mind is racing and my heart is screaming NO!
I am not ready, not now.
I'm angry because even though I thought I was, I am not emotionally prepared to deal with this thought.
I am angry because I can't find a way around the anxiety without feeling like I am jeopardizing Hubby's condition and making it worse.
I'm angry because Lewy caught me off guard and left me rattled.
But I'm most angry because I allowed myself to be swept up in the feeling all day and evening.
A complete waste of a day.
The good things about days end, is another is on the way.
Today I may be shaken, but I'm not going down.