Disclaimer

This is dementia. It's not just a memory problem.
What you read in this blog is purely my own personal experience in dealing with Lewy Body Dementia every day.

This is not meant to offer any medical or legal advise.
I have no professional training in care giving or experiences in formal writing.
I'm just a woman that loves her husband deeply and wants to provide him with the best quality of life he can and chooses to have.
My prayer though this is "Lord, What am I learning from this; how can I use it help someone else and to glorify You?"
If just one person finds comfort in this public blog. I will feel like it was a success.

Monday, August 22, 2011

***Emotional Land Mines***

Not sure what happened or how it did.
Hubby asked for a bowl of cereal before I went outside to jog/walk. A ritual I have been trying to keep up for myself in an effort to do something positive for me.
I happily obliged him and even added a fresh sliced peach for his enjoyment.
Comfortable that he would be settled in for my 20 min workout in the driveway I went outside.
When I returned to the house feeling accomplished and VERY sweaty, I did what I always do and boasted about my accomplishment as I sat in front of the fan.
Hubby did what he always does and asked me if I was hot.
I drink my 4:1 ratio of protein /carbs in the form of chocolate milk and head to the shower.

Somewhere between getting in the shower and getting out, and believe me I'm a fast bather, Hubby had a melt down.

He started out by telling me his usual chorus of moving away and me stealing his money but his tone and attitude escalated in anxiety and near hysteria. He was shaking as though he was raged.
I was stealing his money, I had him trapped here and he wasn't going to put up with it and if he had to, he would shoot himself between the eyes to keep that from happening.
(NO WEAPONS IN THE HOUSE!!)
His emotional tirade lasted quite a while. I tried calming words until I found myself having to walk out of the room, take a few deep breaths and wait for him to stop talking.
Then I returned , sat near him and spoke again in calm tones.
I asked how we could make him feel better. I suggested we call his Dr in the morning and see what he suggests.

Since Hubby has already been experiencing extra anxiety his Dr suggested we could try seroquel. As I am already leery of new meds, I wanted to do my own research on it before having a prescription filled. My red flags all shot up and started waving when Dr said anti psychotics. MOST of those types of meds are No No's for Lewy. My research has taught me that Lewy is super sensative to antipsychotics and anesthesias and a listy of other meds.
Of course EVERYBODY is different so what's bad for one may not be bad for another.
As with all meds, it's hit and miss.
The bad thing is that the misses with Lewy can push him farther down the dementia road at a much faster rate.
So you see why I am careful.
My research has shown that small doses have seemed to help some people with their anxiety so when I call I will agree to the new med.

Hubby was receptive about a call to the Dr and seemed to settle a little.
Staying on eggshells I was careful not to say or do anything to cross his line of fire and that plan pretty much worked until he became annoyed with me sitting at the computer typing. I cut off a friend that I was chatting with, called it a night as I was tired anyway and went to bed.
I wondered if I should have asked Hubby if he cared if I slept there, but didn't and the night went on peacefully.
Of course I attribute that to my plea for prayers on my FaceBook wall before signing off.

Now I understand in my head that Hubby is not himself.
He is held captive by Lewy.
My heart, even though I have a short defense wall built, still aches especially when he talks of needing to get away and hurting himself.

My self esteem takes a shot too.
What's wrong with me that you don't want to be here?
I think I'm a nice person.
I take good care of you. You have anything you need and most of what you want.
I jump when you want or need me.
My thoughts are always on you and your comfort and care.
If I were you I would be happy to have me taking care of me.

The unexpected outburst caught me off guard.
Admittedly it made me a little anxious to the possibility of escalated behaviors.
I've been the recipient of those before and they are not pretty.

I hope and pray that the day is calmer for Hubby.
Eggshells are not easy to walk on and the potential of cracking one and setting off an emotional landmine is great.
I just need to remember to stand firm and keep my focus.

Psalm 16:8
I keep my eyes always on the LORD. With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.

2 comments:

  1. I am sorry you had such a rough day. I am glad you have friends you can turn to and outlets such as exercise and most importantly of all, prayer.

    ReplyDelete
  2. So good you checked out those meds. Yes, the LORD is by your side, even if hubby has changed.

    Hugs,
    Carol

    ReplyDelete

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