Disclaimer

This is dementia. It's not just a memory problem.
What you read in this blog is purely my own personal experience in dealing with Lewy Body Dementia every day.

This is not meant to offer any medical or legal advise.
I have no professional training in care giving or experiences in formal writing.
I'm just a woman that loves her husband deeply and wants to provide him with the best quality of life he can and chooses to have.
My prayer though this is "Lord, What am I learning from this; how can I use it help someone else and to glorify You?"
If just one person finds comfort in this public blog. I will feel like it was a success.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Winning the battle even if I'm losing the war

Poor Hubby has certainly has his ups and downs with Lewy Body Dementia.
It's heart wrenching to see him slowly, and at times quickly, slip away from what and who he knows.

My goal for Hubby has always been, Quality of life and maintain his dignity.
I have not always succeeded at it but I do my best, learn from my mistakes, pray I don't repeat them and lean on the Lord for guidance.

Yesterday's unnerving conversation with Dr left me with a sour taste in my mouth.
Today, after all of the sweet words I received from friends & loved ones, swallowing was easier.

I understand what Dr was saying and I understand why
BUT
I know me, I know my heart and I know that there MAY come a time when a decision of placement is necessary, it is not now.

I have decided that I needed to hear this awful thing.
I needed something to focus my frustrations with Hubby's anxiety on besides Hubby.
It just so happened to be Dr's words.
I was able to cry about them and feel my anger.
I prayed about it and whined about it.

Today my heart is lighter.
Hubby still started the day with anxious conversation about driving.
I tried blaming it all on Dr yet still agreeing that Dr was right in his decision.
I've named all the reasons why it wouldn't be safe.
Hubby thinks that since he has walking trouble, foot pedals could easily be replaced with hand controls.
I'm not distressed by this conversatoion.
We've had it a million times and every time I'm learning what words work and what words don't.
Like the Kenny Rogers Gambler Song, I need to know when to hold em, know when to fold em, know when to walk away and know when to run. 

Today I'm considering ways to combat the anxiety.
Meds are going to be tricky but I will discuss a possible change with Neurologist.
I'm also going to spit polish our little outside dog and allow her in the house again.
I think Hubby would enjoy the comfort of the dog and I KNOW she would love to be back inside.
I'll arrange a room for her to stay in at night to protect the carpets (the whole reason she got kicked out to begin with)

I believe with everything about me that God can bring this anxiety under control.
I believe with everything about me now is not the time to consider placement for Hubby.
And I believe with everything about me that I have the most wonderful support team ever.

My visual daily reminders tell me,
I am loved, share the love and remember to pray for others.

I am never alone or forsaken.

And I am also reminded by my monitor camera, that God sees everything. 


2 comments:

  1. Amen, sister. It's so hard to consider a placement. I will have it hard when I do also.

    Hugs,
    Carol

    ReplyDelete
  2. Take the time to visit homes and put hubby on wait lists. The good ones have long lists... Please don't repeat my mistake. I waited too long to get mom on lists and when I reached the end, needed a bed, none was available and I had to settle for what I could get.

    ReplyDelete

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