Winning the battle even if I'm losing the war

Poor Hubby has certainly has his ups and downs with Lewy Body Dementia.
It's heart wrenching to see him slowly, and at times quickly, slip away from what and who he knows.

My goal for Hubby has always been, Quality of life and maintain his dignity.
I have not always succeeded at it but I do my best, learn from my mistakes, pray I don't repeat them and lean on the Lord for guidance.

Yesterday's unnerving conversation with Dr left me with a sour taste in my mouth.
Today, after all of the sweet words I received from friends & loved ones, swallowing was easier.

I understand what Dr was saying and I understand why
BUT
I know me, I know my heart and I know that there MAY come a time when a decision of placement is necessary, it is not now.

I have decided that I needed to hear this awful thing.
I needed something to focus my frustrations with Hubby's anxiety on besides Hubby.
It just so happened to be Dr's words.
I was able to cry about them and feel my anger.
I prayed about it and whined about it.

Today my heart is lighter.
Hubby still started the day with anxious conversation about driving.
I tried blaming it all on Dr yet still agreeing that Dr was right in his decision.
I've named all the reasons why it wouldn't be safe.
Hubby thinks that since he has walking trouble, foot pedals could easily be replaced with hand controls.
I'm not distressed by this conversatoion.
We've had it a million times and every time I'm learning what words work and what words don't.
Like the Kenny Rogers Gambler Song, I need to know when to hold em, know when to fold em, know when to walk away and know when to run. 

Today I'm considering ways to combat the anxiety.
Meds are going to be tricky but I will discuss a possible change with Neurologist.
I'm also going to spit polish our little outside dog and allow her in the house again.
I think Hubby would enjoy the comfort of the dog and I KNOW she would love to be back inside.
I'll arrange a room for her to stay in at night to protect the carpets (the whole reason she got kicked out to begin with)

I believe with everything about me that God can bring this anxiety under control.
I believe with everything about me now is not the time to consider placement for Hubby.
And I believe with everything about me that I have the most wonderful support team ever.

My visual daily reminders tell me,
I am loved, share the love and remember to pray for others.

I am never alone or forsaken.

And I am also reminded by my monitor camera, that God sees everything. 

And who says men wont ask for directions

24 hrs after Hubby made his I love you statement, he once again reverted to being in the V.A. Home and me as his caregiver.
The statement/question he made this time was "You have a contract to do this (take care of him) don't you?"
I answered him without skipping a beat. "I sure do. It's called a marriage license".
The look on Hubby's face when I said it was priceless.
A combination of shock, confusion and disbelief and the smirky you're pulling my leg look, all rolled into one and it almost made me laugh out loud. I had to turn away from him and started typing on my facebook.

We settled into bed for the night , or I did anyway because Hubby wanders around at night and raids the refrigerator.
About 2 1/2 hrs later he called out to me. I shot up so quickly that for a moment I had lost my bearings then I noticed him sitting on the side of the bed.
I asked if he was okay but he responded no, he was lost and obviously frightened enough to admit it.
He didn't know where he was or how he got there.
He wanted to know where the doors led too and who was here.
He was shaking and I spoke calmly and reassuringly.
He settled in the bed still shaken and admittedly scared.
I held him close and asked him if he trusted me. He replied yes.
I asked him if he knew he was in a safe place. He said he thought so.
I followed through with those feelings to reaffirm we were in our own home and bedroom, nobody was here but us and everything was okay.
He eventually calmed down and drifted off while I pet his head.

According to Hubby this wasn't the first time this had happened to him but the first time he admitted he was afraid.
I so wish that fear was something Hubby never has to encounter but when he does I pray that we can deal with it quickly and easily.
I think we handled it quite well.