Scardy Kat

II Timothy 1:7 For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline

Statistically speaking respite care is  vitally important to the health and well being of the caregiver.

Respite care was scheduled for Hubby and I waited until a few days closer to tell him.
He took it well when I presented it as a week of observation and medication review;
Also an opportunity to have his pain in his back and neck cared for.
Hubby was pleased with this idea and was actually looking forward to it.
Until,
He thought about a way of escaping me from there.
He told me buses run and he would probably catch one to go into town if he wanted a day out.
I didn't disagree.

Then Hubby thought about it more and he became frightened and anxious.
Our household was filled with anxiety and suspicion.
Angry words and accusations flowed freely from Hubby.

I tried so many times to walk away, walk it off, run it out.
I wasn't always successful in keeping calm, cool and collected.
Some times the angry words spewed from my mouth while my head was screaming to shut up.
Apparently I don't listen very well or learn very quickly.

I NEED a break, my mind heart and body need a break. So I arranged one.
I fought many fears in doing that.
Fear that the new caretakers would not be willing to understand Lewy and medicate him.
Fear of losing more of Hubby to Lewy.
Fear that Lewy would convince others that what he was saying about me was true.
Fear that Hubby would not want to come home.

I coddled a spirit of fear, timidity.
My biggest fear without really being aware of it,
was thinking God couldn't take care of Hubby better than I could.
My faith was lacking.
For me, that was (is) a hard reality.

Sunday night Hubby was very upset.
To the point that he admitted to me that he was afraid.
He even decided he wasn't going to the Hosp.
I felt like respite time was crumbling around me but I remained calm.
I reminded him of all the reasons he wanted to go but agreed that if he chose not to go that would have to be okay and he could just stay here at the house with me.
Later in the evening our son came by.
Hubby beckoned Sonny Boy into the room and had him close the door behind him.
He asked Sonny Boy about going and Sonny Boy, bless his heart, was very kind and encouraging about his fathers stay in the hospital.
Hubby agreed he would go.

To add relief to the house tension, 6 yr old grandson offered his insight to Pappaw.
Sonny Boy and DIL agreed to run an errand for me. I offered them the use of my car and upon their return DIL handed me my keys.
Hubby, observing this exchange, grumpily exclaimed "I don't understand this! She lets you drive her car but she won't let me!" 
To which 6 yr old Grandson sincerely responds, "Well, That's because you're old." 
I had to hide and laugh as did Sonny Boy, and DIL, turned beet red! ROFLOL!!!! 
From the mouths of babes!!!

***Emotional Land Mines***

Not sure what happened or how it did.
Hubby asked for a bowl of cereal before I went outside to jog/walk. A ritual I have been trying to keep up for myself in an effort to do something positive for me.
I happily obliged him and even added a fresh sliced peach for his enjoyment.
Comfortable that he would be settled in for my 20 min workout in the driveway I went outside.
When I returned to the house feeling accomplished and VERY sweaty, I did what I always do and boasted about my accomplishment as I sat in front of the fan.
Hubby did what he always does and asked me if I was hot.
I drink my 4:1 ratio of protein /carbs in the form of chocolate milk and head to the shower.

Somewhere between getting in the shower and getting out, and believe me I'm a fast bather, Hubby had a melt down.

He started out by telling me his usual chorus of moving away and me stealing his money but his tone and attitude escalated in anxiety and near hysteria. He was shaking as though he was raged.
I was stealing his money, I had him trapped here and he wasn't going to put up with it and if he had to, he would shoot himself between the eyes to keep that from happening.
(NO WEAPONS IN THE HOUSE!!)
His emotional tirade lasted quite a while. I tried calming words until I found myself having to walk out of the room, take a few deep breaths and wait for him to stop talking.
Then I returned , sat near him and spoke again in calm tones.
I asked how we could make him feel better. I suggested we call his Dr in the morning and see what he suggests.

Since Hubby has already been experiencing extra anxiety his Dr suggested we could try seroquel. As I am already leery of new meds, I wanted to do my own research on it before having a prescription filled. My red flags all shot up and started waving when Dr said anti psychotics. MOST of those types of meds are No No's for Lewy. My research has taught me that Lewy is super sensative to antipsychotics and anesthesias and a listy of other meds.
Of course EVERYBODY is different so what's bad for one may not be bad for another.
As with all meds, it's hit and miss.
The bad thing is that the misses with Lewy can push him farther down the dementia road at a much faster rate.
So you see why I am careful.
My research has shown that small doses have seemed to help some people with their anxiety so when I call I will agree to the new med.

Hubby was receptive about a call to the Dr and seemed to settle a little.
Staying on eggshells I was careful not to say or do anything to cross his line of fire and that plan pretty much worked until he became annoyed with me sitting at the computer typing. I cut off a friend that I was chatting with, called it a night as I was tired anyway and went to bed.
I wondered if I should have asked Hubby if he cared if I slept there, but didn't and the night went on peacefully.
Of course I attribute that to my plea for prayers on my FaceBook wall before signing off.

Now I understand in my head that Hubby is not himself.
He is held captive by Lewy.
My heart, even though I have a short defense wall built, still aches especially when he talks of needing to get away and hurting himself.

My self esteem takes a shot too.
What's wrong with me that you don't want to be here?
I think I'm a nice person.
I take good care of you. You have anything you need and most of what you want.
I jump when you want or need me.
My thoughts are always on you and your comfort and care.
If I were you I would be happy to have me taking care of me.

The unexpected outburst caught me off guard.
Admittedly it made me a little anxious to the possibility of escalated behaviors.
I've been the recipient of those before and they are not pretty.

I hope and pray that the day is calmer for Hubby.
Eggshells are not easy to walk on and the potential of cracking one and setting off an emotional landmine is great.
I just need to remember to stand firm and keep my focus.

Psalm 16:8
I keep my eyes always on the LORD. With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.

Order Up!

This post may be all over the place as that is how my thoughts feel today.
I am hoping that getting them down in print would sort them so please bear with me.

Hubby has been experiencing unexplained anxiety over the last few weeks.
I cant tell if this is related to his PTSD or his Lewy Body Dementia or perhaps a collision of both.
Anxiety that has caused him internal nervousness and fear. Fear he has actually expressed.
His accusations about me having him trapped here and stealing his money are hurtful but I try to rationalize them in my head. He really has no idea who I am or where he is and this HAS to be distressful.
I'm sure his fixation on his own death as of late has not helped the situation either.

At first it was easier to soothe his fears and calm him but as time passes the ability to do so is more difficult.
His verbal displeasure of being here and wanting to go has hightened. 
90% of the time I can easily shrug off his words. 9% I have to make a willful choice not to get sucked into his annoyance and the other 1% always finds me loaded with guilt because I let my mouth engage before my head.

Today I contacted Hubby's Dr and we have an appointment for next week. I think that's the quickest we have ever gotten an appointment for the V.A.

Then there are the times when Hubby is very calm.
He still talks to me about not being here and never wants me think it's because of anything I did.
At these times he talks to me about me. And lately I am a 3rd Kathy.
One day Hubby talked to me about getting out of here.
I asked him why he wanted to go.
His answer was that he didn't know but he needed to.
And it wasn't because Kathy wasn't taking care of him.
I inquired about Kathy and received a pleasant answer.
Apparently he felt that the one treated him quite well, "Almost like a God"
Then an uncomfortable answer,
the other didn't treat him bad but she could be hateful.
And when I asked him who I was, He replied "Kathy"
Then he said we were trying to confuse him and laid down.

Today started out unusually good.
Hubby wanted to go out and have breakfast.
I suggested another eating establishment with a greater variety to which he said, He didn't care.
MISTAKE!!
I wasn't thinking about the number of people in the restaurant and the amount of noise.
Bigger (menu) isn't always better.
Hubby jumped at every noise. I offered to have our food prepared to go but he insisted that it was okay and didn't want to leave.
During the meal Hubby complained about feeling nervous and shaky. He did finish his meal and we set out for home. Once inside he still complained about the nervous and shaky.
He needed assistance removing a shirt for his comfort.
I went through all the reg questions about illness to assess the situation.
Hubby rested.

Later in the evening Hubby announced that he felt his time was almost up.
What do you say to this? How do you respond?
I never know what to do except lay near him and talk calmly about other things.
Then the conversation took a sharp turn to accusations of thievery and entrapment.
I chose not to stay there so I went to another part of the house for a few mins. He finally settled down and I returned to the room.

Thus has been our life for the last few weeks.

Keeping my feelings in check isn't always easy.

Separating the man from the illness isn't always easy.
I love this man,
I hate this illness.

The other day he told me that I would be better off without him.
I told him I wouldn't really be and he asked me why.
My answer was because he made me want to be a better person.
He always has.

Then he placed an order for food. He knew exactly what he wanted and how he wanted it.
I smiled, prepared it and returned to him announcing
"Order Up!"
We laughed, he called me a smartalic and I agreed.

And who says men wont ask for directions

24 hrs after Hubby made his I love you statement, he once again reverted to being in the V.A. Home and me as his caregiver.
The statement/question he made this time was "You have a contract to do this (take care of him) don't you?"
I answered him without skipping a beat. "I sure do. It's called a marriage license".
The look on Hubby's face when I said it was priceless.
A combination of shock, confusion and disbelief and the smirky you're pulling my leg look, all rolled into one and it almost made me laugh out loud. I had to turn away from him and started typing on my facebook.

We settled into bed for the night , or I did anyway because Hubby wanders around at night and raids the refrigerator.
About 2 1/2 hrs later he called out to me. I shot up so quickly that for a moment I had lost my bearings then I noticed him sitting on the side of the bed.
I asked if he was okay but he responded no, he was lost and obviously frightened enough to admit it.
He didn't know where he was or how he got there.
He wanted to know where the doors led too and who was here.
He was shaking and I spoke calmly and reassuringly.
He settled in the bed still shaken and admittedly scared.
I held him close and asked him if he trusted me. He replied yes.
I asked him if he knew he was in a safe place. He said he thought so.
I followed through with those feelings to reaffirm we were in our own home and bedroom, nobody was here but us and everything was okay.
He eventually calmed down and drifted off while I pet his head.

According to Hubby this wasn't the first time this had happened to him but the first time he admitted he was afraid.
I so wish that fear was something Hubby never has to encounter but when he does I pray that we can deal with it quickly and easily.
I think we handled it quite well.