I am hoping that getting them down in print would sort them so please bear with me.
Hubby has been experiencing unexplained anxiety over the last few weeks.
I cant tell if this is related to his PTSD or his Lewy Body Dementia or perhaps a collision of both.
Anxiety that has caused him internal nervousness and fear. Fear he has actually expressed.
His accusations about me having him trapped here and stealing his money are hurtful but I try to rationalize them in my head. He really has no idea who I am or where he is and this HAS to be distressful.
I'm sure his fixation on his own death as of late has not helped the situation either.
At first it was easier to soothe his fears and calm him but as time passes the ability to do so is more difficult.
His verbal displeasure of being here and wanting to go has hightened.
90% of the time I can easily shrug off his words. 9% I have to make a willful choice not to get sucked into his annoyance and the other 1% always finds me loaded with guilt because I let my mouth engage before my head.
Today I contacted Hubby's Dr and we have an appointment for next week. I think that's the quickest we have ever gotten an appointment for the V.A.
Then there are the times when Hubby is very calm.
He still talks to me about not being here and never wants me think it's because of anything I did.
At these times he talks to me about me. And lately I am a 3rd Kathy.
One day Hubby talked to me about getting out of here.
I asked him why he wanted to go.
His answer was that he didn't know but he needed to.
And it wasn't because Kathy wasn't taking care of him.
I inquired about Kathy and received a pleasant answer.
Apparently he felt that the one treated him quite well, "Almost like a God"
Then an uncomfortable answer,
the other didn't treat him bad but she could be hateful.
And when I asked him who I was, He replied "Kathy"
Then he said we were trying to confuse him and laid down.
Today started out unusually good.
Hubby wanted to go out and have breakfast.
I suggested another eating establishment with a greater variety to which he said, He didn't care.
I wasn't thinking about the number of people in the restaurant and the amount of noise.
Bigger (menu) isn't always better.
Hubby jumped at every noise. I offered to have our food prepared to go but he insisted that it was okay and didn't want to leave.
During the meal Hubby complained about feeling nervous and shaky. He did finish his meal and we set out for home. Once inside he still complained about the nervous and shaky.
He needed assistance removing a shirt for his comfort.
I went through all the reg questions about illness to assess the situation.
Later in the evening Hubby announced that he felt his time was almost up.
What do you say to this? How do you respond?
I never know what to do except lay near him and talk calmly about other things.
Then the conversation took a sharp turn to accusations of thievery and entrapment.
I chose not to stay there so I went to another part of the house for a few mins. He finally settled down and I returned to the room.
Thus has been our life for the last few weeks.
Keeping my feelings in check isn't always easy.
Separating the man from the illness isn't always easy.
I love this man,
I hate this illness.
The other day he told me that I would be better off without him.
I told him I wouldn't really be and he asked me why.
My answer was because he made me want to be a better person.
He always has.
Then he placed an order for food. He knew exactly what he wanted and how he wanted it.
I smiled, prepared it and returned to him announcing
We laughed, he called me a smartalic and I agreed.