Lewy's Bicycle Escape Dream

It's been an interesting few days at Lewy's House.
In particular,
If you remember Lewy decided he needed a bicycle. One was purchased for him but he was unable to ride it.
Then he started talking about an adult trike.
I delayed him as long as I could until a trip to a local bike shop was made Friday.

My anxiety always raises it's red flags any time we have to travel from home.
Knowing Lewy has been planning his escape for some time now left me feeling anxious.
First he thought he would get a 2 wheeled bike for his get away.
But that was a no go.
The best he could do was push it across the driveway a couple of times.

Awaiting the trip to the bike store was fueling his eagerness. Lewy had been up for a couple days in a row. Talking about going and getting his new bike. Riding it back to town. (Not home, as he was going to stay in town a 15+ mile trip back. Home is farther)
I suggested when we get there he give it a test run just to make sure he was able to ride it.
Lewy agreed. As it happened that his aide was here for her time, he was annoyed he had to wait.
I, on the other hand could have happily waited until the end of forever.

As soon as we pulled in to the parking lot another customer was taking a "test  spin" on a bike identical to the one Lewy was interested in. She appeared to be a little older and had some physical problem. Lewy watched as she made the parking lot circle with the assistance of the salesman.
We entered the showroom and were greeted by another gentleman.
Lewy was looking at a row of adult trikes and told the man he wanted to try one.
I told Bike Gentleman what Lewy wanted and I also mentioned that Hubby had Lewy Body Dementia. I asked if he would please take that into consideration when dealing with Hubby.
Bike Gentleman was so kind, he smiled and told me he completely understood and that he had his own experience dealing with people with dementia.
Bike Gentleman made me feel at ease.
I explained that Lewy may be trying to plan an escape.
Bike Gentleman and I laughed.

He offered Lewy a test ride in the parking lot.
Lewy mounted trike and Bike Gentleman pulled him outside.
It was apparent that Lewy would not be able to understand the mechanics of peddling and steering.
Balance was still off making turns difficult and Lewy's inability to push the pedal and continue momentum was almost non existent. All in all it was a very disappointing reality for Lewy and as much as I rejoiced that he failed, My heart hurt for Hubby.

Not willing to admit his inability we all entered the showroom for a cooler place.
I could tell Hubby was very disappointed but he never said so
Bike Gentleman asked Hubby what he thought.
Hubby said he thought he needed to sleep on the decision.
Bike Gentleman told Hubby to take all the time he needed.
I then thanked Bike Gentleman and said we would do just that.

Hubby started experiencing mobile melt down when he made a walk to the restroom.
It gradually increased. 
Bike Gentleman offer Hubby a chair and a bottle of water.
He was so kind and considerate and patient.
Hubby stayed in the showroom for over an hour.
Then we left.

Hubby was quiet the ride home and most of the evening.
He later informed me that the small 'ride' through the parking lot was too difficult and he didn't believe he would be able to ride the bike.
I agreed with him and there has been no more word on the subject since.

Maybe now Lewy will leave Hubby alone.

How can I be angry at him?

Yet I find it happens so I try to change the focus of what I am angry at.

I have learned, for the most part, not to make plans for anything and NEVER promise anyone we will attend, meet, go. I have been disappointed too many times and do the best I can to avoid the emotion.

We make plans to do things. We talk about them and plan out our schedule for accomplishing them only to lay them aside in the end. The emotional effort that goes into planning a trip just to the store is pretty big around here.

Today though, I find myself once again in the throws of disappointment and yes anger. Anger I am trying not to displace.
Last night we made all the plans to follow through with a trip to our grandson's 4th Birthday Party.
I have told all of our children do NOT count on us to be able to join you in anything. I don't want them to be disappointed if I say we will and then turns out we can't.
Hubby carried on a very clear and concise conversation about it. We planned the attire and timing for the 3 hr trip and it was set that we would go. I went to sleep excited at the prospect of not only getting to see our grandchildren, and daughter, but seeing the surprise on our daughters face when we arrived. I knew we would be greeted by all sorts of hugs and kisses and maybe a few happy tears. Now all of that is dashed into the ground this morning.

But I have to keep asking myself. How can I be angry at Hubby?

If I woke up or found myself in a strange place with people I really do not remember how would I feel?
If someone told me something I was supposed to have done and I didn't remember it, how would I feel?
If a stranger I was told I was married to announced we made plans and started telling me I needed to get ready to go but I didn't remember, how would I feel?

How would I feel if every day I was lost in partially familiar territory not knowing how to find my way out and only being comforted by the few things I did remember. If I couldn't distinguish between my dreams and my reality. "Did I dream that or did it really happen?" If I thought I had conversations with people that seem real to me. If my mind told me I could do something and my body disagreed.
How would I feel?

So I MUST daily remind myself of those things for Hubby's sake.

I am however, mad as hell (sorry) about Lewy bodies.
It steals so much and the harder I try to fight it the harder it fights back.
Mocking me that it will win in the end. I just want to give it a run for the money. It just really beats me up some days.

There is only so much one person can deal with and some days I think I may be at the end of my rope.
Hubby's Home Health Contract expired and he was booted out of the system until the V.A. catches up with the authorization for renewal. This means no aide for him and no quick errands to town for necessaries. (Thank the Lord for family willing to make a milk run) Why it may take more than 2 weeks to renew is beyond me. Especially since I was on the phone with them as they put in the request. But This person has to OK it and That person has to double OK it. (rolling eyes).
Of course I have every capability to tend to Hubby's personal care and I do. I think the aide is more for me than Hubby :)

We are also on 3 weeks since the horrible bank incident.
Still no funds available for us and although I was able to scrape up enough money to get the bills paid, next month's crop of bills are coming in with no resources available to take care of them. **This is not a cry for help. This information is strictly for an update on the situation. I truly believe things will be taken care of in due time.**

Today I still have some rope left to cling to.
I don't know who reads this thing but I do know it is a pretty good therapy for me.
Just getting the words out of my head helps.

It's a beautiful Sunday. Cool and crisp.
Hubby sleeps quietly and peacefully as opposed to thrashing and talking.
Grandson will have a wonderful time with his friends, brothers and parents. They will know I am thinking of them.
I have a roof over me and food in the house.
My internet is connected (very important) ;-)
I am loved and prayed for.

In everything give thanks.