Somebody dropped a young cat off in Sister in
law's neighborhood.
It found it's way to her home and to
her dogs food and decided to take up residence.
SIL, not being a cat person, needed to
get rid of Cat so she called me, Cat Lady, and I agreed to take the
cat if it could be caught.
A few days later Brother In Law shows
up at the house, bright and early wearing gloves and carrying a
pillow case with,
you guessed it,
Cat inside.
We decided to put the pillow case down
next to the cat food and open it.
Sure enough as soon as that pillow case
was opened, Cat jumped out, straight up a wall, across a window
screen, off the porch and shot across the yard into the woods.
I think the cat was black.
I called and called for it throughout
the day, hoping it would come back or I would see a glimpse of it.
I finally gave up, hoping Cat would come
back to the food once it settled down.
A couple of days later it did. Very
nervous but hey, if your life started out as a drop off then a pillow
case trap and dump, you would be nervous too!
It's been a few weeks since then, it
finally settled in to a box I set up for it and food. It's even
friendly enough that I can pet it and lately it will run up to me for
attention. Every now and then it will try to get inside the house. I
think it likes it's new home and we are all adjusting.
You're saying to yourself, “This has NOTHING to do with caregiving, Kathy!”
Ahhh, but read on my dear friend and
you will see.
Yesterday Hubby had a Mental Health Dr
appointment. The appointment I've been dreading because Hubby had
decided he wanted to talk to Dr about placement.
Over the last few weeks Hubby's desire
to leave has increased. He even decided to stop taking ALL of his
meds. Just like that. So he did.
I can hear some of you gasping, but
think for a moment, what is is REALLY going to do that's worse than
dementia?
I didn't fuss or insist. The inner
struggle to hold on had to loosen it's grip. It is such a very
difficult thing to do.
Some of the meds he takes such as
Depakote relieved his anxiety and anger issues he experienced as a
result of his PTSD. Since stopping I haven't noticed an increase with
those issues any more than what he was already experiencing before
stopping. I know there is nothing physically he can do to anyone or
himself and I can walk away when the hurtful words come.
The Galantamine he was prescribed when
he was diagnosed with his Lewy Body did such a wonderful job at the
beginning that I wanted to kiss the makers. I saw such a positive
change in Hubby's cognition and as time went on, the dosage was
increased to it's max and although I was not seeing any positive's
from continuing that med, I was afraid to have it stopped because I
saw what it did and was worried about where he would be without it.
Apparently it was no longer effective because I have not noticed any
sudden(?)different declines in cognition.
I said in an earlier
post that Hubby and I have had some serious talks and we have
cried separately and together over some of the things he is
experiencing.
Because of these emotional breakdowns I
was able to talk Hubby into taking his antidepressant to help him
feel a little more stable. He agreed. Because of the pain he
experiences in his back and neck he also agreed to take his pain
meds. I said there was no reason for him to suffer with pain.
At the Dr appointment Hubby mentioned
that he felt a little more shaky. Part of his LewyBody symptoms is
shaking. When asked he said he thought more about death and dying and
he had no thoughts about how to make things better. When I was asked
how he was I explained about the meds stopping and how Hubby had been
angry and sad and how he wanted to leave even if it meant placement.
Hubby agreed.
The pillow case was opened,
I think my brain exploded and leaked
out of my eyes so I wont be able to tell exactly what all
conversation was said.
I was asked if I had spoken to the
Social worker. I jumped out of the pillow case, straight up a wall,
across the window screen and porch and off into the woods, just like
Cat. I shook my head, I can't talk to her.
MH Dr was so supportive. He said the
same things I did, Nothing was permanent. If you voluntarily check in
you can check out. Lets just get the info we need to make an informed
decision. There is no right or wrong with these decisions. We are
doing the best we can and it's smart to think ahead.
He said all the things I have said to
myself and in support of others. But I wasn't coming out of the
woods.
We all agreed that it was okay to have
stopped the meds if that is what Hubby wanted but he was keeping them
active in case Hubby changed his mind about them.
Side note: I LOVE my team! Always
having Hubby's best interests at heart.
MH Dr. offered to have the social
worker call us to get the info we would need for placement should we
choose to go through with it.
So, right now, there the food sits on
the porch and I'm waiting in the woods, just like Cat. Afraid to move
and hiding out.
We all think we know exactly what we
will do in any given circumstance but until you are actually faced
with it, we just do not know how we will react. Right now as long as
I don't have to think about it too much all is well. But in those
still quiet moments, or when Hubby is having a moment those feelings
rush in and overtake my heart. I keep reminding myself that my plans
are not God's plans. He has a bigger and better plan for me and for
Hubby. I need to trust Him and follow keeping my eyes on Jesus and
not on the storm. It looks like a pretty big storm brewin. So I'm in
prayer that the Spirit calms my heart and clears my head so I can
walk out of the woods, like Cat.
I know when I do I'll find a warm
box and a bowl of food.
Just not today though.
