Disclaimer

This is dementia. It's not just a memory problem.
What you read in this blog is purely my own personal experience in dealing with Lewy Body Dementia every day.

This is not meant to offer any medical or legal advise.
I have no professional training in care giving or experiences in formal writing.
I'm just a woman that loves her husband deeply and wants to provide him with the best quality of life he can and chooses to have.
My prayer though this is "Lord, What am I learning from this; how can I use it help someone else and to glorify You?"
If just one person finds comfort in this public blog. I will feel like it was a success.

Showing posts with label Prayers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Prayers. Show all posts

Friday, October 7, 2011

Still kickin

The passing of  Hubby's friend must have been extremely difficult for him to deal with.
At least that is how it seems to me after the funeral services.

What a terribly difficult day Hubby had the day after.
Hubby had been wound up tighter than an 8 day clock and has done nothing but try to argue with me ALL DAY!!!

The morning started off with the usual dialog of moving away.
I don't do mornings until I have had a least 1 cup of coffee in silence which I did not get.
It all went downhill as the morning wore on. Enough downhill that I threw my patience away and got huffy with Hubby.
Walk away and shake it off wasn't helping much but I really was trying.

I can hear you thinking, "Why didn't you just go to another room and stay there Kathy?"
Well, when I am out of our room, Hubby comes looking for me.

During this time Brother in Law (BIL) left for church and I forgot to give him his offering and lunch money. I knew he would be covered by other 2 sisters so I didn't really worry he would do without. I was however surprised that BIL didn't remind me of it before he left. It's not like him to forget things like that.
Once he returned, Other BIL came inside and I met him at the door with lunch money repayment. We laughed about my goof and Hubby walked into the kitchen and asked if his sister was out in the car. Other BIL said yes and Hubby summonsed her inside. Other BIL promptly informed her and she came in.

Now sometimes, I consider that I'm a smart woman so I left the room, I was pretty sure what was coming and I was not mistaken.
Hubby wanted to know if his sister would explain to him why he had to be "here".
SIL tried to explain that this was his home and he was getting wonderful care, all the things I have said to Hubby and she was met with the same resistance and anger I have been. She took no time at all to jump right into angry mode and yelled at Hubby then stormed out of the house. It wasn't pretty.
Hubby, angry at his sister, decided I was responsible for turning everyone against him.
UGH I can't win for losing.

But wait! the party didn't end there.

Hubby was grumpy the rest of the afternoon and into the evening.
I ignored, I redirected, I tried soft tones and answers, I tried reasoning ( I KNOW I KNOW but I had to try so stop laughing), I went outside and sat on the porch swing for a long time
I walked away so much I could have worn out my shoes.
Come to think of it I may have because I was barefoot.

Anyway,

I prayed for Hubby to just go to sleep, I prayed for  the night to end, I begged FB friends for prayers, but I did both of those things AFTER I had my own personal melt down on Hubby that resulted in me allowing myself to get caught up in his constant verbal assaults. Honestly though, after a day of it, it can really make your nerves raw.
I won't go into details but my Spiritual Fruit, which are Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness and Self Control (Galatians 5:22-23) turned into rotting fruit that got my fruit of the looms in a wad and I verbally threw my stinky fruit at Hubby :(
My inner self was having a primal scream that escaped from my mouth.
I am not pleased with myself and terribly ashamed.
I can't take the words back and even though I may be the only one that remembers what happened, it still hurts that I didn't walk away one more time.
It is what it is though.

My prayers were answered later in the night as Hubby finally settled down and I licked all of my self inflicted wounds.
The rest of the night was quiet and  peaceful.

Then the morning came.
Still feeling the effects of beating myself up I made attempts to make nice, but Hubby was still upset.
He even tried to reason with me about why it would be best for him to leave me and move away.

It took a LOT of willpower and a ton of prayers to bite my tongue and keep from responding.
Hubby didn't appreciate that I wouldn't consider his offer to go away, so he dressed, put on his slippers and a hat and grabbed his walker and proceeded to leave me, on foot.
It shouldn't have been comical, but it was.

Doing those things in itself is a change as Hubby has not been able to do many of them, especially use the walker, in a long time.

I never said a word and just let him do what he wanted. I watched as he walked across the room and to the front door. I watched as he walked out the front door and from the windows I watched as he walked to the end of the car.
I was actually impressed he was able to get that far.
It took him a very long time to do it and he rested at the back of the car for a long time. Eventually he started his trek again and just walked around the car to the side deck and sat on the deck swing.
he stayed there a very long time and I ran upstairs to peer down at him and keep an eye on him.
After a while I went to the side door, unlocked and opened it for him.
Calmly I said when he was ready to come inside, this way would be easier for him. I smiled softly.
He eventually came in and we both took a much needed nap.

Outwardly I was gentle but inwardly I am spent.
I feel like I'm walking through a mine field.
My mind never stops so I never feel like I have down time.

I haven't blogged for what feels like an eternity.  I can't get my thoughts organized so not doing so feels a little selfish and I don't want to be self absorbed in Lewy's world.
I'm still enjoying my walking/jogging but I did take a few days off to spend with Youngest Daughter and her Baby.
Youngest Daughter even mentioned I may need to make arrangements for some respite time.
She pointed out that as long as I didn't have to have a serious conversation, outwardly I appeared to have all together but she can tell just from seriously talking with me that I need a break.
She is very correct and I will be calling the Veterans Assoc. to see if I can arrange it.

On a lighter note, Hubby and I spent a glorious day with our children and grandchildren.
We had a nice supper and some laughs. It was wonderful. We ALL enjoyed it even Hubby who willingly participated in being part of the group. :)

A few funnies that happened I shall share from my FB status

Our dog, Lady, is hard of hearing. She is laying at the foot of the bed and Hubby is trying to get her attention by talking to her. He finally says to her, "You aint paying any attention to me." I say, "She can't hear you" 
He says "What?" 
I repeat, he says "What?" Through laughter I say it one more time. 
Huobby says "Oh, she's like me, huh?" LOL!!

I was just telling my father...It was BEAUTIFUL weather here yesterday and I did nothing at all!
Nothing inside, nothing outside and you know what? 
I don't feel bad about either choice :D

Things have been so pretty good the last 2 days I think I need a Towne Crier, 2 O'CLOCK AND ALL IS WELL!!!
  
Indulged in too much sugar and shortening last night woke up at 4 with indigestion. :( 
Got out of bed at 4:20 
poured coffee at 4:30 
Hubby got up asking for a cup at 4:35 then decided to "start the day" and say "Huh?" to every thing I answered him.
His last statement was "My clothes are about gone out of there (closet)" 
My response, "Yes I need to get them to the cleaners" 
He asks, "You need to get what to the cleaners?" 
I stare at him thinking, seriously?! 
So I say "I need to get your coffee to the cleaners"
He hasn't said a word to me since. 
5:30 AM, It's gonna be an interesting day. :/
(One comment asked me what I was eating. I said other people call it cake with icing LOL)

And finally
 
It had been a rather peaceful morning and then Hubby decided he was cold so he puts on a housecoat, looks at me and says "I don't know how I'll make out in this cold weather, I don't have the meat on my bones that you do." 
Seriously Hubby?!?! I love you too!! LOL!!! 


See it's not all bad :)

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Driveway Devotional

We have experienced some of the worst winter weather Arkansas has seen in a while. 12" of snow.
How can something so beautiful be disliked so much?

Armed with a flat end shovel, a heavy sweatshirt and jeans, sunglasses, gloves and monitor so I could hear Hubby if he needed me. I spent the last 2 days trying to shovel out 200+ feet of driveway. Wide enough of a path that I can get out of the driveway and Hubby's aide or anyone else can get in. I am very tired and sore.



As I was shoveling I took the time to look around at the beauty of the snow. The glistening as though diamond dust was scatter across the yard when the sun was shining on it. The big fluffy clouds passing by at a fairly quick pace. The warmth of the sun beating on my face and the sounds of the ice dripping and snow falling from crackling tree branches and the house eaves. Birds taking flight against a beautiful blue sky leaving behind a trail of the white powder floating off into the air to be evaporated or to find rest somewhere else.

Gods splendor.

Looking through the trees my eye captured a pine tree that had been weighted down by the heaviness of the snow given release from the weight as the sun melted just enough to give it a bounce back.

Shaking the powder from its branches and looking back up to the sky. A moment washed over me as I thought about those trees and the weight they bore.

Some trees branches were mighty and withstood the load of the snow with little to no effect.

Some tree branches and shrubbery were so burdened down by the load and laying in the driveway.
The tangled mess of prickly bushes have prevented one tree in particular to grow awkwardly and bear sparse leaves and branches. The poor tree has never had the opportunity to develop to it's full potential. I doubt it ever will be anything more than a weakling surrounded by prickly bushes.

Some branches are weak and bear no life in them. They are nothing to really look at but you can tell that at one time they were strong and mighty.

Others that are smaller and bare no life, succumbed to the weight and fell off.

The pine trees were my favorite to watch.
Even the tallest and more regal of the pines were not immune to the barrage of flakes. Some withstood quite well. Perhaps losing the weakest branches.

The smaller trees could do nothing but bow down. Some leaned to the side as in an effort to avoid all their branches from being covered. Some succeeded and have yet to straighten out completely. I wonder if they ever will without help.

Some just snapped giving up completely.

Others shouldered the snowfall and appeared to be burdened by the weight.
The wind was at first helping to keep some of the snow off of them but eventually it stopped blowing and the snow fell anyway. I wondered how long they could endure.


Standing there looking at the pine tree I thought how heavy that burden must feel. Many of the branches touching the ground. Then as if God spoke I watched this pine tree shake and then the snow fell off many of the branches. Those branches in their release from bondage stood erect and renewed. A tad dusty but strong and ready for the next round. I laughed when I saw this.

I was struck by the thought that in many ways we are like trees burdened by the weight of snow.
We have a great many burdens to bare. Some of us that have been around a while and have weathered many things still stand tall and regal.
We suffer a great many losses though our lifetime, we see much new life in it also. We have learned how to bend and sway and continue on until our time here is done.

Other trees with dead branches producing no foliage or fruit surrendered to the will of the Lord. For He knows the plans he has for us. Plans to give us a future and a hope. Making room for new productive growth in our lives.

Some of us surrounded by prickly bushes that hinder our growth and effectiveness. Never getting out of the situation mostly because we don't know any better and the prickly bushes have become our way of life. Complacent to do nothing.

Then the pines.

Some of us try to run and avoid the inevitable. Depending on others (the wind) to save us. Leaning away from Lord leaving us bent and deformed.

Some of us leaning so far that we give up and break.

Then there are those of us that keep standing as still and tall as we can. We say we shall not be moved.
We gather our friends (the wind) to help us with the burden. We are ever so grateful knowing we are loved. Yet still more snow falls on our lives and more until we find ourselves heavily burdened by it and we wonder, whatever shall we do, or why me or how much more can I bare? Then just when we think we shall never hold up under the weight and our knees (branches) have been touching the ground for some time, feeling lonely and cold and concerned, we surrender to the will of God.
It is then that God's love shines on us.
He melts the burden bit by bit to reveal the beauty of his creation. Renewing our strength so we too may shake the powder off and spring upright declaring His wonder and love.
Perhaps there is a branch removed from our lives, and He is using that space filling it with good things.

All I know is that there are days I feel like the burdened pine. I shall not be moved.  On Christ the solid Rock I stand.
I wonder why things happen but mostly I wonder what I am learning from my experience as a caregiver and how can I use it to help others and declare the love of my Lord and Savior?

So I enjoyed my driveway devotional. I love how God picks the most interesting times and things to talk with me about.