Disclaimer

This is dementia. It's not just a memory problem.
What you read in this blog is purely my own personal experience in dealing with Lewy Body Dementia every day.

This is not meant to offer any medical or legal advise.
I have no professional training in care giving or experiences in formal writing.
I'm just a woman that loves her husband deeply and wants to provide him with the best quality of life he can and chooses to have.
My prayer though this is "Lord, What am I learning from this; how can I use it help someone else and to glorify You?"
If just one person finds comfort in this public blog. I will feel like it was a success.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Focus

So I sat around and moped about feeling empty and watching the days fly by etc etc.
I suppose God laughs at me at those times.

One of my favorite stories in the Bible is when Jesus, after feeding the multitude with 2 fishes and 5 loaves, sent his disciples out into a boat to "Go on ahead, I'll catch up". He sent the people home, went off to pray and then went out to join his disciples in the boat. By this time a storm had developed and the waters were rough enough for the disciples to struggle in their rowing. As Jesus walked out on the water toward the boat, the disciples got scared because they thought a ghost was coming to get them.  Jesus re assured them it was He; But Peter, had to have more than just His Word so he wanted Jesus to allow him to walk on the water too. (isn't that just like us? Oh yeah, well prove it)
So Jesus said, "OK, come on" (my interpretation)

My favorite part is that, Peter, keeping his eyes on the Lord jumped out of that boat onto the water even though the storms were all around him. He walked out to meet Jesus. As long as Peter kept his eyes on the Lord, he was walking on the water, safe from drowning. Now the Bible doesn't say that Peter stayed dry while he walked. So I feel pretty confident that the waves splashed him and his feet were wet along with his face and hair. The waves were all around and Peter was experiencing them on a personal level, yet keeping his focus on Jesus.

But wait, there's more!
As Peter was being drenched by the water waves, he took his eyes off Jesus to look at the storms and see what they were doing to him and to worry that he couldn't handle it. Peter began to sink.

Now the REALLY GOOD part!!
Peter yelled out, I'm sinking, I can't do this, I'm going to drown! This is too much for me to handle! The storm is too big (more interpreting)

(Matthew 14:31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him.)

Immediately:
1. without lapse of time; without delay; instantly; at once.
2. with no object or space intervening.
3. closely

Jesus didn't have to run toward Peter to grab him!!
Peter was in one arms reach of the Lord.
Jesus didn't say, "Hang on I'm coming!" He was there.
Peter lost his focus, just like I do so many times.

I sit down and take in the enormity of the Lewy storm and the height of the Lewy waves.
I cry, it's too big for me to handle. I am right, it IS too big for ME to handle.
I hear so many times the phrase, God will never give you more than you can handle. That sounds lovely. I like to think I'm strong enough to handle anything that God chooses for me to have. But the reality is that I limit Him when I do that. I make Him my size. I admit I'm coughbigcough (and at this rate getting bigger, wink) but I'm not God big.
When I surrender my little all to Him and keep my focus where it needs to be, I won't sink and He will handle it.
That does not mean I should do nothing. I still need to pull my weight. Use the abilities I have and the knowledge I was given. Do the best I can with what I have. I STILL have my own work to do under the watchful eyes of my Lord, the supervisor, teacher, example.

Me and my feet are still going to get wet. I'll be splashed in the face and I'll have terrible hair days I'm sure. I just need to remember to keep my focus and let God handle it. He is SO much better at it and never screws it up like I do!!

Hubby hasn't fully rebounded from the shaking. It happened a few more times and each time I cradled him until it passed. I will continue to do that for him and for me. 
Today is not much different than yesterday. Still has those moments, VERY confused and mobility is very very poor, He tries so hard to do things yet. It hurts to see his effort but I encourage as long as it does not appear to be injurious to him.

Everything else will work itself out. I need to turn it loose and quit sabotaging myself. I am my own worst enemy and I use fear to intimidate myself. Would I accept this behaviors from anyone else, NO! I can say that boldly because I have been in that situation where someone tried to use fear on me to manipulate me. It happened once, it didn't happen a second time. I now need to stand up to myself and say, I'm not going to let you treat me like this anymore.

Perhaps my spirit has been refreshed enough to get raised up and walk on the Lewy waters with my focus on Love.

2 comments:

  1. Kathy,

    This is a lovely post. I find daily solace in Scripture also. Yesterday I was reading where Peter, again, complained that Jesus should NOT have to wash his feet. Buy Jesus told him, "Since I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you ought to wash each other's feet" or rock someone when he shakes. We are so like Peter sometimes.

    May the LORD continue to strengthen you, Kathy.

    Hugs,
    Carol
    Whose husband has Alzheimer's

    ReplyDelete
  2. Kathy, our preacher preached this exact message a couple of weeks ago. It's very refreshing to see it here again. I always like to say, "Let go and let God". It's so much easier to tell others to do this than to do it ourselves, though.

    I pray for you daily, Ms Kathy. You know that you have abundant riches waiting for you over in the Glory Land! You are such a strong woman and I love you to pieces!!

    ReplyDelete

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