Tired

I don't feel depressed. I don't have brain fog. I don't cry all the time. I still feel joy in my soul. I laugh, I genuinely smile, I exercise, I eat properly (most of the time) I drink my water. I'm just tired. I'm not exactly sure when I started feeling so tired but I do, and tired enough that I feel like it's interfering with my life, so I made an appointment to see a Dr for a general check up. They told me I had to be re established because it's been more than 5 yrs (YIKES) since I've been to a Dr and I would be considered as a new patient. I was able to work the appointment  time to fall into the aide time Hubby gets, and our aide has a heads up I may be squealing tires as I come back down the driveway. Let's hope it all goes without a hitch and I'm not forced to bolt from the Dr office mid exam to get home in time. I'm in hopes it's nothing more than a little low on iron or something else as simple. I like to be optimistic.

Speaking of Drs, Hubby had an appointment with his Mental Health Physician the other day.
I allotted the proper amount of preparation time and we made it, YAY!
The appointment was routine and we (I) talked about how Hubby is experiencing more anger issues, Hubby agreed. Dr talked with Hubby about this and made a few suggestions for him one was a slight increase in Hubby's antidepressant, a suggestion I agreed with and the other,
well,
maybe I misunderstood, maybe I took it personally.

MHP addressed Hubby's anger and asked why Hubby felt like that.
Hubby tried really hard to say something but never really got a sentence out completely so I offered that I felt like Hubby was angry at his situation.
(Heck, if I were Hubby, I would be angry at my situation too.)
Hubby agreed with my assessment.
I offered that Hubby feels like he cant do anything.
Hubby agreed.
MHP asked Hubby what type of things would Hubby like to do.
Hubby said he wanted to do stuff.
MHP said he thought that Hubby wanting to do stuff was a good idea. I agreed it was BUT Hubby's idea of doing things was that he wanted to do them alone. Like going to town on his own. Hubby agreed with me and included that I wouldn't let him do anything.
Now this is where I may have misunderstood.
MHP suggested that maybe we, WE as in you and your wife, could come to a compromise. Yes there were places Hubby might need to reconsider going and things he would have a difficult time doing but with a compromise and the support of family and friends he saw no reason Hubby couldn't do some things.
I think my brain matter started to ooze a little.
MHP doesn't know that almost everyone has slipped off the face of the earth for Hubby.
MHP doesn't know that I sit at the ready to take Hubby anyplace he chooses when he chooses.
MHP doesn't know that I drop everything to get ready at Hubby's whim and then wait for hrs to learn that Hubby has changed his mind, forgotten or doesn't feel like going and doing what he requested.
MHP doesn't know how many suggestions I have made to Hubby to try different things. Things like Day Centers and Sr Centers, I even tried to hire a companion for Hubby but Hubby refused the service.
MHP doesn't know that Hubby's aide and I are just about the only constants in his life.
MHP doesn't know that Hubby sees MHP more often than he sees some family members.
MHP doesn't know how much compromising I have tried to do.

I wiped the brain matter from my eyes as I filled MHP in, now he knows.

I also said that Hubby has talked A LOT about leaving me, going to town, living alone.
MHP asked Hubby if he wanted to go to town and live.
Hubby said "No"

WHAT?!! ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME?!!!!
I think my brain exploded with that silent screaming but thank goodness for my skull keeping it contained and no leaking out because the pieces were so big that it blocked the ducts in my eyes.

I think the look on my face was enough for MHP.

We concluded our visit and Hubby and I decided to meet oldest daughter for lunch.
Lunch was nice but as the time wore on it became more than apparent that Hubby was exhausted. He chose not to finish and didn't want a take home box. I took him home and settled him down where he stayed the rest of the day and evening.

It was a very great effort for Hubby to get up and get anywhere at a certain time. My constant but gentle (I promise gentle) pressure to get dressed and shaved and accessorized leave him feeling exhausted and adds confusion. To Hubby, my directions for what we need to do as I assisted dressing him must seem like lightning speed to his ever slowing brain function even though we had a 2 1/2 hr window for Hubby to get ready and it too the entire time. I scrolled though the accessory list, here are your, watch, rings, glasses...
I double checked he was buttoned, zipped and straightened. After locking up the dogs and on the way out the door I ran through the mental list of things I needed and away we went.
As we drove down the road I glanced over at Hubby and noticed the sun shining on his wedding ring. I wasn't wearing my wedding ring but I wasn't upset because I hardly wear it anymore.
I thought about my ring, I thought about how easy it seemed to not wear it.
I remembered how hard it was to accept the fact that before Hubby's diagnosis I thought my marriage was over and after he left me I couldn't not wear it. My heart was still married, so for months and at the shaking of the heads of friends I continued to wear my ring. Then one day I changed hands for it, and after a year of separation and attempting to come to terms with the finality of my marriage, with the help of a counselor, I put my ring in a drawer. I never expected to wear it again.
When Hubby and I reconciled I was delighted to once again wear my ring.
As I did more and more physical labor around the home, like building and remodeling, I feared I would damage it so I wore it only when we went somewhere.
As Hubby's Lewy Body progressed and his recognition of me as his wife left him, Hubby became accusatory of my possession of the ring. He believes I stole the ring from him. On more than one occasion he has said that the ring does not belong to me so to avoid a conflict, a heated one like we have had before, I leave it in the drawer so he isn't reminded when he sees it. It's sad that not wearing it isn't more upsetting to me.

And then there is today. Hubby called for me. Lately he has seemed extra needy and clingy. Always wondering where I am and what I'm doing. As I always do I went to his side. He started and stopped his words several times then eventually said, "I don't think I should call you Hun." I asked why he felt like that and his answer was "It's not right, but I don't know what to call you." ; Please remember that our conversations are not fluid so it takes time for Hubby to get through a sentence. Even when the sentences are mine, I must chop them up in small pieces waiting for him to acknowledge that he understands what I have said. , So, I told him he could call me Kathy, that was my name and he could do that. He agreed he could do that. I walked out knowing he was satisfied with the answer but feeling like another piece of me had been lost. Odd thing though, he's called me Hun all day. Go figure.
Man I'm tired.

Just Another Day

"Kathy"
"Coming" I say as I go to Hubby's side.

"I want to"
I wait. I sit on the edge of the bed.
"You want to, what?"
"What?"
I repeat, "You want to what?"
"Oh I don't know what I was gonna say. The birds are starving."
I see that they have eaten the daily portion of seed already and it's only 3 or so in the afternoon.
"What time do we eat?"
"Are you hungry? I'll make an early supper"
Old Peoples Supper my children and I affectionately call it. Hey, don't knock it, I have noticed that during certain hours at certain establishments, the bill is reduced for Srs. We just never eat there :/
"No, I want to talk to you."
"Okay"
"Now Hun, this is nothing against you but I'm going to leave and move into town."
I say ok, just like that without making a fuss.
Then I excuse myself to the shower because I had been removing and regrouting a floor and was dusty and dirty.

Just another day in our Lewy Body life.
Incomplete sentences, plans to leave, scattered and forgotten thoughts.

I emerge from the shower, hang out on FB for a while when I hear,
"Hey Hun"
"I'm coming" As I go to Hubby's side.
He asks if I'm going to do anything else to my still damp hair.
I say No, I was just going to let it air dry.
He looks bewildered.
I ask. "What's the matter?"
Apparently he thinks we made plans to go out and eat.
Now I'm confused.
Didn't he just say he was leaving me?
I agree that I can get ready and we can go out.
Hubby seems pleased and we enjoy an evening out.

Just another day in our Lewy Body life.
We roll with the changes, adjust our attitude, stop on a dime and make sharp corners quite quickly yet maintaining some semblance of upright.

Dinner was nice, the ride home was quiet.
I can tell Hubby is slipping into that place that dementia goes towards the evening.
He sleeps in the car.
As we pull into the driveway, one of our cats was refusing to surrender it's spot in the middle of the drive.
I set the car in park and get out to retrieve the cat and move it.
Hubby decides to get out too.
"Where are you going?!" I ask in a concerned tone.
"To the house."
"Well just get back in the car and I'll pull up, get the chair (wheelchair in the trunk) and help you."
I get into the car and I THOUGHT Hubby was turning around to sit down but instead, takes a step sideways, closes the door behind him, tries to make a turn and I watch in fear as he goes down.
I jump from the car and run to him. He is clutching his head, I feel a knot but no open abrasions.
I survey him for injuries and limb movements.
I remember that I was told I should take him to the Dr if he bumped his head.
I grab the chair from the trunk, pull it directly behind his back after I have him balanced in a sitting position and after a few attempts ("Honey, I NEED you to cooperate with me!" I think I was grumpy when I said this) I get him up and in the chair.

Just another day in our Lewy Body life.
We can go from good to bad in the blink of an eye. Helplessly watching attempts to be independent can go terribly wrong and accidents can happen. Adrenaline levels can skyrocket faster than the spaceshuttle can take off.

I suggest we take Hubby to get checked out for his bump.
Hubby refuses!
I inform him It was suggested by the Dr's nurse that he needed to be checked out.
Hubby REFUSES!
I INSIST!
I make an attempt to push him towards the car, still running by the way, so I can TAKE him to the Dr.
Hubby gets VERY adamant and refuses, so much that he has dug his heels into the blacktop and I think I wore the bottom of his shoes off by trying to push him.
My frustration level rises.
Hubby's frustration level rises.
This is going nowhere fast so I say "FINE!"
I turn the chair towards the house, wheel him inside and leave him in the bedroom.
I return to the car, park it and retreat to lick my wounds in another part of the house.
From Hubby's monitor I can see that he has gotten into his bed, perhaps he is emotionally wounded too.

Just another day in our Lewy Body life.
Second guessing actions and responses. Trying to sort out hurt feelings and obstinate behaviors.
Reminding myself that this is Hubby's life and these are his decisions even when I know I can make them mine.

After becoming engrossed in a Wii game for too long (and nearly throwing out my arm in the process. Hey, if you think it's that easy to chop down a virtual tree faster than a computer generated opponent, you just go ahead and try it. Yeah, that's what I thought. ) I decided to check on Hubby and take a bathroom break. I passed through the bedroom where Hubby was, he smiled and asked where I was going. I answered in that cold robotic way (you know which way I'm talking about). On the way out of the bathroom I pass back through the bedroom. Hubby asks me if I'm upset about something because I sure do look grouchy.
I admit that I was worried about him and I got upset at his refusal to see a Dr.
I admit I find it difficult to switch emotional gears so suddenly.
Hubby asks if I want to get rid of him.
I answer "No" I'm not even thinking that.
I admit that I still love him, I just don't like what his disease is doing to him, and sometimes, I have a hard time keeping it separated from him.Tears fall. They seem to be mine.
Hubby says "oh"
Hubby smiles, I smile back. 

Just another day in our Lewy Body Life.
Temporary withdrawal from reality. Tears fall. Insecurities and assurances. But in the end, always love.

Tomorrow is another day.

Falls Specialist

Whew!!
Fortunately for me the Falls Specialist that the VA set up a consult with only called me on the phone and didn't need to make a home visit!
I tidied up a few things up anyway, just to get a head start. Better safe than sorry.

I had no idea there was such a person as a Falls Specialist and I told her so.
FS said that she worked mainly with nursing homes for the patients safety.
I let her know that I appreciated her input on an individual basis and that there were many more at home caregivers that could benefit from her knowledge.
So first things first.

FS gave me a run down of the things that she would normally recommend or order for a nursing home patient that was a fall risk. Everything from hip protectors to bed alarms.
She gave me a site to go and look at products, posey.com

After looking at her suggestions I decided on items that I felt would be the most beneficial for Hubby while still maintaining his dignity and independence.
For hip protector I chose something that resembled sweat shorts. They will be easy on and off for Hubby as opposed to the undergarment type of protectors.
Another item she wasn't sure if she could get approved but was going to try, was a floor alarm.
She said it wasn't requested as bed alarms were the norm and she knew I could get one of those. I asked her to try anyway. I wanted a floor alarm/alert because rolling around in my  mind was the memory of Hubby's stay in the hospital while they were testing for hydrocephalus. Because he has dementia and was a fall risk, they placed an alarm on his bed that went off when he tried to get up and go to the bathroom. After it went off the first time, he feared getting up and setting off the alarm again so he didn't move all night and  lets just say when I arrived the next morning there was an upset Hubby lying flat on his back with a job for a nurse to take care of. I don't want him to have that trapped feeling again.
Maybe with the floor alarm he will feel differently about the alert and not worry he can't move around in his bed. We will see.
Since the Veterans Assoc. is supplying these items, I have no idea how much something like this costs.
I am very grateful to be able to receive the assistance. The VA may be slow and FS told me it would take at least a week to get the request approved and then how ever long afterward to get the order in, but when they come through, they come through.

After Hubby's latest fall I wondered if he would even be able to walk on his own again.
He took a nose dive in mobility and required complete assistance with rising, transferring, even sitting and staying upright. But a week later, as of last night, he is more his own self (whatever that really is) and today getting around with no additional help besides the grab bars placed in the rooms or easily accessible furniture for clutching.

Last night, while I slept he raided the fridge, long time since he's done that. And this morning my FB status was...

Dear (Daddy), Thank you for getting up in the night to raid the refrigerator and spill cheese all over the floor. It was a lovely surprise to find first thing this morning. Much love, from Lady and Booger ♥ Oh and we didn't care for the salsa so we let Mama clean that up. We're sure she appreciates you too :)

Documentation

Documenting Lewy was a suggestion I was given when the Lewy Body journey started and after I joined a spousal caregiving support group for those living and caring for Lewy Body.
I learned so much from those that went before us.
Journaling was a way to not only document Lewy and be able to present a thorough report to the Dr, it became a way for me to document my feelings. Something to look back on and see what we did that worked and what didn't work to make Hubby's life more manageable for him and for me.
I also hope that in choosing to journal (blog) publicly I am helping others to better understand Lewy and helping those that find themselves face to face with a diagnosis of Lewy Body Dementia I am offering a bit of support so the journey doesn't feel so lonely. I remember that scared and alone feeling.

With each down turn I still get that scared feeling. I just don't feel alone anymore.
I know there are those before, those waking with and those coming after.
The emotional support system I fell into by blogging keeps my heart on track.
I am blessed beyond measure by you all.

So the most recent downturns Hubby is experiencing has it's fears.
Hubby took another fall last night.
It was pretty hard on his back and not his head this time.
The jolt itself was enough to send Hubby into the same reaction of shaking once I was able to get him up from the floor and into bed.
As before I didn't know what to do and since my holding him seemed to help calm him the last time, I did it again. I held him close and tight and stroked his brow and head until he settled down and the lines in his forehead smoothed out quite a bit.
I always feel so inadequate in doing that. My head says I need to be doing some type of medical/professional/ textbook  something or another to care for the shaking, but my heart just keeps saying, hold him. So I follow my heart leaving my head to scream inadequate.

Hubby doesn't help matters either by refusing, REFUSING, medical attention.
Today though, Hubby has needed lift assist all day today. He has been unable to rise from his bed or walk so we have put a few house miles on the wheelchair today. Because of this I called Primary Care Dr, even though Hubby didn't want me to, and spoke with PCNurse (We like her) She was very understanding of our situation.
I had informed her that I have documented a fall of some type at least once a week for the past 2 months!
I also told her I didn't think calling every time Hubby went down was necessary because , most of the time he has no serious injury, a few rub burns and a scratch or two and Hubby's refusal to have anything seen to prevented me from calling, also, I didn't want to become worrisome to them about every bump and bruise.
PCNurse understood my dilemma, was happy to make note of my recordings and together we decided that a consult to a Falls Specialist was in order.
Falls Specialist will make an evaluation of our needs either by phone or a home visit and order the necessary supplies for Hubby. (Note to self, clean house) 

I realize this post is across the board ordinary in content and for those that have followed my ramblings know I have a quirky sense of humor so I wanted to share a few FB status smiles with you as a post script.

May 1)  A fly keeps annoying Hubby so he asked me to kill it for him. While retrieving the flyswatter it crossed my mind, Hubby with a serious startle response + Kathy with a flyswatter, this may not end well, for Hubby. :/

 So I'm talking to Booger (the dog) when I notice something odd on his head and ear. Then I realize, he has cheese dip in his fur! So, either he's been sitting under Hubby at supper OR Hubby has been trying to spoon feed him again and missed! Tried to get a pic but it wouldn't show up. Fun Times!! LOL!!!

May 3) Hubby was sleeping and dreaming, loudly. I walked in to listen to him give directions on car repair and converse with a friend then laugh. Something must have gone wrong because he got angry so I left him to his dreams to work it out. When he woke, I heard him call "HEY!" I went to him, and I know I shouldn't have laughed because he was as annoyed as all get out but he said "Just where the H*** am I!" We eventually got it all straightened out :) LOL!

May 7)  Award winning comment of the day!!

Hubby was watching TV and I was in the room folding clothes, he looks over at me and says "Hey Hun?"

I answer, "Yes?"
He says "I sure do love you"
♥ That my friends deserved a hug and a kiss!! ♥

May 11)  Lawn Mower decided to stop moving :(
So, disgusted, I left it at the back of the house. Shared the annoyance with Hubby who later suggested WE should go get it and bring it to the front of the house (It's normal parking spot).
We laughed about the word "we".
He shuffled into the bedroom and I decided to just go out and push it to the front. Mission accomplished and inside I came.
I've been sitting here on FB for a little bit when he shuffles back in here and asks me if I was ready to go get the mower. I said I already did, and he responded, "Well I just got my shoes on".
Then I noticed, he had put on a pair of jeans and his shoes to help me! LOL!! Thanks honey!!

Are We There Yet?

According to the V.A. we aren't.

Hubby had an appointment for Palliative/Hospice care the other day.
I allowed 2 hrs for Hubby to get up, have coffee, eat and me get him prepared for his appointment.
This time frame is usually a good one although there are times we cut it close.
This particular day it took the entire 2 hrs just to get Hubby out of bed.
It wasn't because he didn't want to go, it was because Hubby has NO concept of time.
No matter how much I prodded him he just didn't go. When he finally did, our window closed and locked, so I had to cancel.
At this point, knowing the importance of this appointment I was very frustrated but over and over I had to remind myself that Hubby has no control over his time concept.
When I told Hubby we had to cancel he didn't understand why.
I tried explaining we had an appointment but the word appointment was lost on Hubby and he couldn't understand why we couldn't just go and get one while we were there.
I suggested Hubby might appreciate the the time to get a little more sleep, he did.

I called and cancelled and was told someone would call me back and we would see what we could do on the phone.
Nobody called that day.
Wed while my aide was here, someone called and I missed it, they said they would call back.
Thursday, nobody called.
This morning my aide is coming again and I will need to make the weekend run for milk and such. I fretted someone would call while I was gone so I called instead.
Contact!!

ACCORDING TO THE V.A. guidelines for Hospice for dementia are pretty strict.
After a long search, I found this Functional Assessment Scale (FAST) used in determining eligibility.
Besides a list of things Hubby does qualify about he must have..

 A)Ability to speak limited to approximately ≤ 6 intelligible different words
in the course of an average day or in the course of an intensive interview.
**Hubby can still have fragmented sentence conversations that make some sense.

B) Speech ability is limited to the use of a single intelligible word in an
average day or in the course of an intensive interview

C) Ambulatory ability is lost (cannot walk without personal assistance.)
 **At this point, I have the ability to get him up and get him to appointments. He can help with transfers and can walk very short distances as long as he has something to hold.

D) Cannot sit up without assistance (e.g., the individual will fall over if
there are not lateral rests [arms] on the chair.)
** Close on this one, he can sit up for short lengths of time on the side of his bed but eventually tumbles over.

E) Loss of ability to smile.
**Hubby can still smile.

F) Loss of ability to hold up head independently
**Hubby can still hold his head up.

 AND

One or more of the following conditions in the 12 months:
Aspiration pneumonia
Pyelonephritis (kidney infections, I had to look it up)
Septicemia
Multiple pressure ulcers ( stage 3-4)
Recurrent Fever

These have not occurred for Hubby

So our course of action is to stay where we are doing what we are doing until we get there.
Palliative Care .

My team of Drs and our HHA providing comfort, ease and quality of life for Hubby.
We know that there is no cure for Lewy Body. Maybe one day there will be :)

I think I was a little disappointed that Hubby didn't qualify only because I didn't get the opportunity to say, "No Thanks, we're good with what we have " ;-)
One good thing might come out of the process. The lady I spoke with said that she would submit Hubby's HHA renewal NOW (it expires this month)
Let's hope she has a little more pull in getting it through beforehand, but I wont hold my breath, it is the V.A. after all.

Decisions

Decision #1)
Hubby has an appointment with the V.A. in a couple of days and at that point we will decide on palliative care/ hospice.
I knew that this would one day be a decision we would need to make and it's been weighing pretty heavy on my mind since we asked for the consult. My mind knows all the positives of it, my heart keeps saying, are you sure this is the time? It is.
I have questions I want to ask.
I want to know if their service will disrupt our (my) support team in a good or a bad way.
I want to know if I can still continue to use the support system that I feel like I had to fight to put in place.
Direct contact with his Neuro, Mental Health and Primary care are a call away if I have concerns.
I know that we have reached the end of the line as far as meds and treatments are concerned so I'm not looking for a straw to grasp. I'm looking to keep the people I feel are helping me and Hubby, even in a limited way, through this journey.
I want to know if we will receive at least the same amount of aide time we are getting now.
If not, As frustrating as it can be, I'm wanting to keep our aide time even if it means renewing every 6 months and waiting weeks without an aide to get the renewal. 
Perhaps I'm afraid to make this step and I'm not realizing that is what the weight of my feelings are.
It's odd how something that I know is good can feel so bad.

Decision #2)
When Hubby learned about this appointment he was sure I was taking him back to respite.
The scene that followed when I told him went from 0 to 60 in angry milliseconds.
His verbally ugly and angry outburst caught me off guard.
I had to reassure him several times that I was not getting rid of him. Although he said he believes me, he still makes comments to the contrary at times.
SO, now I'm second guessing my decision to use respite care as long as he is at this level of awareness and this sensitive to the thought of going.
One day at a time. I live life much easier this way.

Decision  #3)
The night before last, Hubby took a hard fall in the bathroom. He had fallen and smacked the side of his head against the wall. I didn't see or feel any bumps and as hard as the fall sounded and the position he was in when I was finally able to get to him, I could tell he had hit it pretty hard.
It knocked him for a loop and it took a little while to get him off the floor but it took even longer to get him focused on me and answer my questions.
The main was, Do you need to go to the Dr?
No! Emphatically.
Hubby said he had a hard head.
I agreed and said his skull was hard too ;-)
The best I could do for him was get him comfortable and watch for signs of concussion.
I decided to respect his wishes not to call an ambulance.
I watched him closely and our night was very bad.
It was difficult to separate the fall issues with Lewy Body issues.
Lots of confusion, Lots of mobility issues, restless sleeping.
At one point he concerned me enough that I got afraid.
He was shaking uncontrollably.
Not a seizure, not like the last time, different.
I had finally drifted off to sleep close to 1:30 AM when I heard the hand bar chain.
I got up and went to Hubby's bed. He said he was cold and was shaking.
I checked for fever, none.
I covered him with a blanket besides the 2 he already had but he was still cold.
He continued to tell me he was cold so I draped by body on top of him and his blankets and held him tightly until his shaking subsided.
I didn't know what else to do.
When he settled I went back to bed.
About an hr later I heard the same noise and he was complaining about the same thing.
Again I draped him and held him tightly.
I got afraid, I prayed, a difficult prayer.
I asked that Hubby be given some peace, I prayed that my fear would go away.
And I prayed that if this was the time God intended to take Hubby, that I would be willing to surrender him.
Now that all sounds like it came out easily but I assure you, it did not come without hesitation, chastisement for myself for thinking that way and many tears.
Hubby settled down long enough that I felt comfortable to leave him and go back to bed.
I cat napped the remainder of the night waking to every sound.

Decision #4)
A week or so ago, the owner of the gym I attend had planned a gathering and I was invited.
I asked our son, Sonny Boy, to stay with his father so I could attend.
Sonny Boy agreed as it worked well with his work schedule and I was looking forward to a little time away.
The day (yesterday) finally arrived but it happened to be the day after Hubby's fall.
Hubby was out of it still.
He didn't remember falling and couldn't understand why his head hurt.
On many occasions he asked me why his head hurt.
He conversed little and slept all day. I even had to wake him to go to the bathroom.
Walking was gone, so wheelchair rides and physical assistance was necessary.
As the day moved on I wondered if I should go ahead with my plans.
All the what if's crowded my mind.
Hubby showed no improvement, but also no decline and I had to trust that Sonny Boy would be okay to stay, after all, he was capable and if he needed me all he had to do was call.
I decided to go.


Decision #5)
I am SO happy I did go!
What a relaxing couple of hours without thoughts of caregiving and errands that needed to be run.
I wasn't on a time schedule, other than my own.
I wonder how long it had been since I was able to do that.
I think 5 yrs!
I arrived and was happy to see many of the ladies I knew and met some new people.
I did realize I need to work on my social skills!
A display of food items and beverages was available and we all indulged in the spread.
It was a lovely evening, carefree and relaxing.
When I returned home, Hubby was still sleeping, I woke him to say hello.
Sonny Boy said he never moved while he was there.

Today Hubby is awake and alert. He slept all night.
His mobility, even as limited as it is, was back.

Yes, I believe I made the right decision in going.

Ours, Mine and His

Once upon a time, a long time ago...
In our world we lived on the schedule of the children and husband. 
Hubby lived on the schedule of his business and the business I told him he had with our children. (He had to be reminded)
In our world there was freedom to just go if something was needed from the store or we wanted to visit a friend or family.  The children were loaded in the car and away we went.
Every day at 3 :PM Hubby would gathered at a favorite place with friends for coffee.
Every Sunday and Wed we attended church.
Every Sunday afternoon was nap time, every Sunday night was "Fend for Yourself" or as others call it, leftover night.
There were school functions and social functions.
In our world, adapting to each other and teaching the children to live in and adapt to it, was just part of raising children, being married and being a family.
In our world there was freedom.


Then our world was divided in two by dementia.

It became My world and Hubby's world.

Our worlds mirror each other at times.
The same, but opposite.
Most days our worlds look nothing alike.
It is then I have to decide which world I will live in at the moment.

Our freedoms have slowly faded away.

Routine and schedule do not work well in Hubby's world.
Things need to progress at whatever pace he needs when he wants and needs it.
Routine and schedule have to be in my world.
The schedule of Hubby's Home health Aide (HHA) allows me to run errands and take a few mins to care for me in my workouts.

When appointments for Hubby are made, pulling him into my world takes some effort.
Preparation and time allowed needs to be made.
It isn't always easy to get him into my world.
I'm usually as exhausted as he is by the end of the day and we both fall back into our own worlds.

At the beginning of dementia, I tried so hard to get Hubby to live in my world.
I tugged and pulled at him but the gravity of Lewy Body was too strong.
We've had some wild rides because of it too. Many of those rides resulted in hurt feelings, anger, and tears, from both of us.
Logic and reasoning , for the most part, are gone in Hubby's world.
It's not like he forgot or misplaced something, it's just gone, stolen, dead, never to return.

Logic and reasoning are still alive in my world although there are times when I forget or choose, not to use them.
Dealing with Lewy takes a delicate balance to get between the worlds. Some days I do tire of the walk but I continue it.
Caregiving is not easy every day, but it's not hard every day either.
We laugh and some days are quite pleasant.
Even in very difficult times there can be a silver lining.
Hubby and I took a trip to lunch the other day.
Once we finished and I payed us out, Hubby said he wasn't feeling well.
Restaurant owner took charge of Hubby's wheelchair as I got the door and the two of us watched as Hubby had a mental and mobile meltdown. Hubby slumped in his chair and became semi unresponsive.
We approached the car and realized Hubby had to be physically lifted from his chair to the car seat.
This was actually a first in this situation for us.
Most meltdowns happen at home.
In order to move Hubby, I needed Hubby to help me help him by wrapping his arms around me.
First I had to get him to acknowledge that I was talking to him.
I had him look at me while I explained I needed him to hold on to me.
I had to repeat this a few times to get a response and move Hubby's arms onto me.
It was then Hubby said, "I'd rather hold on to you than anyone else."
I smiled at Hubby, held his face and kissed him, then lifted him into the car seat.
Restaurant owner helped tuck Hubby in and close the door while I loaded the chair.
He was very kind and compassionate and I thanked him as I got inside the car and buckled Hubby up.
When we got home I got him inside and in bed and I sat on the floor by his bed with my head on his chest.
He put his arm on me.

30 years ago when Hubby and I decided we wanted a life together, I wanted to be a better person for him and for me. I still strive for that daily, for him, because of him and lots of times, in spite of him. I fall short so many times but my faith in Jesus and my relationship with Him keep me moving on to the next day, to continue to love, and forgive not just Hubby, but myself and others and most of all Lewy as odd as that sounds. I have learned so much because of Lewy and instead of staying angry and bitter towards something I can not control and have done everything I can in my own power to change or fix I have learned to accept it, as much as I dislike it, for Hubby's sake as well as mine. 

I have learned that I can't force Hubby to live in and adjust to my world without backlash, so I have to visit his world in order to be a better caregiver for him I MUST bridge the two and step into his more.
Am I missing out on anything, maybe. Maybe I'm not experiencing "life to it's fullest" in the eyes of others.
But this is Hubby's fullest now and not only am I experiencing it, I'm getting to contribute to it.

Statistically I will outlive Hubby.
My life hasn't ended in my caregiving role.
I will move forward when Hubby passes on. I have no idea where or exactly how. But that's not today's decision.
I will not say what I chose to do was in vain.
I will not have regrets that I "missed out on life"
I will not feel like I sacrificed everything even though I have given up, willingly and sometimes reluctantly, a lot of things to stay here.  
I will rejoice that I didn't miss out on Hubby's life and appreciate and treasure the time we do have. As limited in freedom as it is. I still have the freedom to love Hubby anytime I want to, and I do.

Ghosts

Hubby requested we go out to eat so he could get out of the house.
Then in his next breath he said, "At least you let me do that."

Poor Hubby, he wants so much to do things but 99% of what he wants to do he isn't able, ie: driving, going places by himself etc
I've suggested over and over that he participate in different activities but his stubborn side refuses to hang out with "old people".
Seriously?! The man himself is 75 yrs old! LOL!!

Anyway,
At this request to go, I set aside everything I am doing, jump in the shower and get ready.
Then I help Hubby who had decided he wanted to lay back down while I get ready. Not a good thing because the end result is a sleeping Hubby by the time I get finished and we go nowhere. This time he was still awake watching a western.
We get him dressed and shaved, his hair combed and all the extras that go with preparing to leave.
We talk about where he wants to go. He doesn't care.
We talk about what he would like to eat. He doesn't care.
I suggest fish, steak, hamburgers.. He doesn't care.
So I cut my eyes at him and suggest MY favorite with a sly smile, Chinese.  He cares!
Drats!

We find ourselves once again at a favorite and accommodating place.
We eat a quiet and slow supper, just like all our others.
They seem to get slower and quieter for us.
I tip well for fear they might charge us rent on the table.

Hubby has lots of trouble eating and I assist where I can and am allowed.

Just before we finish a couple we knew walk in.
We haven't seen these people in 5 yrs.
I smile and wave and as they pass our table Hubby looks at the gentleman, perks up and says "Well, Hello Joe!"
I was thrilled that Hubby remembered who these people were and even more thrilled that they took a couple mins to say hello to Hubby. Much of the time Hubby is overlooked when others are around.

Hubby stays all perked up as we leave and he gets all chatty about nothing in particular on the ride home.
Hubby realizes he is chatty and we both laugh about it, but I like it.
When we finally get home I jump out of the car, open the house doors, let our new dog, Booger, out and get the wheelchair from the trunk for Hubby. He and I decide to "walk" the dog.
We enjoy the evening in the yard for a few mins when Hubby asks me, "When are we going home?"
I answer "We are home."
Hubby reponds, "This isn't my house."
One victory at a time I suppose LOL!

Hubby continues his downturn through the night.
He informs me that he has been thinking.
I swallow hard.
Then I ask about what.

Hubby doesn't know where he is.
I ask him if he knows who I am and he says yes, my name is Kathy.
I ask if he knows what my relationship to him is.
He does not know this answer.
I inform him ( I was nice about it!)
I asked him if he felt safe with me.
He said yes.
I tell him we are at our own home.
I asked him if he felt safe at this house.
Hubby looks out the window and says yes.

He tells me he thinks he recognizes my car.
He also tells me that he bought the car for me.
I agree (even though it was I that bought the car)
He continues that he bought the car for me and for "the other one"
I ask who the other one is.
"She is supposed to be Kathy."
Hubby looks confused as he sits down.
He then says "but she can't be Kathy"
I ask why.
Hubby answers, "because she isn't.. She's a ghost."

I refrain from a smile and tell Hubby that there is an actual medical term for him thinking there were 2 of me, Delusion.
He seems satisfied with my answer.
I'm satisfied that he says he feels safe.
And he isn't afraid of ghosts.

Give A Guy a Break

Poor Hubby can't catch an emotional break lately.

In as many days he has received sad news about 2  friends passing away.

Processing the first one has been very difficult for Hubby.
He is lost in the house and unsure of where he was most of the time.
He asks me what day it is more than once and became obsessed that we should attend the funeral.

Hubby had a nurse procedure scheduled to have his ears cleaned out.
His hearing difficulties have increased so I made an appointment to have them looked at.
As it turned out Hubby had no wax build up that was preventing his hearing loss.
We were both disappointed by this information.
Hubby believes he is going deaf and I am sticking to my original thoughts which are the Lewy bodies are the reason that Hubby has hearing problems, less hearing and more word comprehension.
There are times Hubby can hear perfectly fine and others that words need to be repeated, more than once, or twice, or explained.
Then there are the times that Hubby believes I said one thing and repeats what he thinks he hears, utter nonsense, that much of the time leaves me in laughter after I move past the frustration.

On the way home I asked Hubby if he wanted to stop and have lunch.
He said "No" so I headed for home.
When we were just a very few miles from home Hubby asked me if we were going to stop for lunch.
SO I made a turn and headed back to our favorite family restaurant.
While we were there we ran into some friends who informed us about the passing of another.

UGH! Poor Hubby

Since then Hubby has taken an even farther downslide in cognition.
We are back to him asking me if I live here and if this is my house.
Where we are and when are we leaving.
Did the VA hire me to take care of him etc etc.
One day he asked me what day it was so many times that I wrote it down on a piece of paper and held it up at him when he asked again. :)

There are just too many brain connections misfiring to allow Hubby any processing the deaths of his friends.
This has left him in a whole other world I'm not part of. At least he isn't fearful or anxious.

Hubby still insisted that we do something for the funeral.
I ordered flowers and sent condolence notes.

We've attended many funerals of family and friends, over the course of our marriage.
We understand and accept that dying is a part of the life cycle and sometimes the cycle ends too soon and or unexpectedly. Normally we would have attended the service.
In my heart though, I knew that Hubby's attendance would be too difficult for him.
If just the news caused this much confusion I could only imagine how Hubby would react the raw emotions of the deceased loved ones.
How long would Hubby be in the decline and would there even be a bounce back like there can be in Lewy Body patients?
The risk of attendance seemed high to me and I wanted more than anything to avoid the  sadness and the service only for Hubby's sake.
We even talked about how difficult I thought it would be and the downturn Hubby already had, although he didn't realize it too much.
I knew I needed to make an executive decision.
One that would leave me a dictator and more than likely enemy number one.
I was pretty keyed up about it.

The night before I stayed up with Hubby extra late.
He asked me what we needed to do in the morning.
I just responded that we didn't need to do anything and I changed the subject and Hubby followed.
The evening ended and I prayed really hard to just let us sleep late.
Prayer answered but I still woke early enough.
I prayed more that Hubby would sleep for a while and possibly through the morning service.
This would allow me to stay in his good graces by not making such a hard decision and insisting we would not go.
Hubby did sleep through the service and through lunch.
Youngest daughter called to say she and youngest grandson were coming for a visit. YAY!
I told her about her Daddy and how I prayed he would sleep and at that moment he still was.

She mentioned that perhaps I prayed so hard I prayed him into a coma.
I busted out laughing!
Tension release right when I needed it but I have NO idea where she gets her sense of humor ;-)

Hubby slept through most of her visit and he woke just before she left for home.
He asked me if we missed the funeral, I said yes.
Hubby was upset with himself for sleeping so late.
I just said that it was okay since Hubby wasn't feeling very well anyway.
He agreed.

Tonight he is still as confused as ever.
I don't know how long this will last or if it will end.
Dementia, it is what it is and we'll just do the best we can as the days come

Let My Guard Down

A few years ago I was channel surfing and ran across a sermon that caught my attention.
It wasn't so much the topic that caught  my attention as it was the man's presentation.
The topic was on The Whole Armor of God.
I've heard and read and taught it myself so I was familiar with the text.
Ephesians 6: 14-18 (snipits) tells us to
Put on the full armor of God so we can take our stand against the devils schemes.
Stand firm wearing the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.
In addition take up the shield of faith to extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.
We should wear the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit.
And pray, all kinds of prayers and requests.
And be alert.

SO? what does this have to do with caregiving for dementia?
Well let me tell you in a min.

The preacher came out on stage wearing armor. Not actual armor but some sort of a noticeable costume.
OK so yes any preacher wearing any kind of armor would be noticeable.
It was humorous to see this and I couldn't turn the channel until I heard what he had to say LOL
I silently acknowledged his teachings as what I understood as truth from my own study and teachings.
He showed off his pieces of armor and discussed them one at a time.
Then he took a sure footed stance and said , Be alert, because if you arent..

Then he turned around

I laughed so hard when I saw what looked like arrows in his behind!
There was no protection there!

Now the caregiving comparison.

In caregiving especially for dementia I try to prepare for the battle against, what I consider, the "evils".
I buckled myself with the truth that the Hubby is not the disease and the disease is not the Hubby.
I provide everything I can to do right by Hubby when providing the best care, be it in my own physical care, with aids or respite service in a facility.
My feet are ready for transport to appointments and outings or they are ready for just walking into the room  with my presence.
I have faith that God won't give me more than He can handle when I turn it over to Him.
I wear a helmet of knowledge and continuing education to better care for Hubby.
I carry a sword to fight the systems and cut through red tape.
I pray what feels like non stop. I pray for peace and understanding (I never pray for patience because i don't want trouble) I pray for rest and good days and a plethora of other things.
And I watch and stand guard against illness and side effects and too much noise and excitement.
Always watching, always on guard

I thought anyway

I let my guard down.
And I got shot with an arrow, right in the behind
and it hurt

I had to break sad news to Hubby about a very close and very well loved family friend.
Hubby took the news of Friends passing very hard.
We knew Friend was seriously ill and had made a few attempts to get ready and go see him while in the hospital, but Hubby couldn't ever follow through this last week. It was a stressful week for Hubby. We even had to cancel a dr appt because we just couldn't get out.
There is some news I don't relay to Hubby until it's a have to. It's my, I'll cross that bridge when I get to it, attitude. And some news I never have to tell Hubby, or haven't had to yet. I try not to bring worry into Lewy's world.
But the news was very evident apparently on my face because Hubby sensed something was wrong.
Hubby had a pretty rapid decline in cognition after that.
I actually expected it and tried to prepare myself.
I handled it pretty well through the day, and the afternoon.
Then the evening came. The time of day when cognition melts away into the sunset and confusion settles in like the dark.
I suppose in my own sadness and effort to remain settled for Hubby I didn't think the day could get any worse for confusion.
My mistake.
Hubby had mobile meltdown when he was leaving the bathroom.
As usual he called for help.
This time he substituted me for someone else.
I would so much prefer to be forgotten than substituted.
I will honestly say that it hurt so bad I burst into silent tears.
I walked over to Hubby, calmly said , My name is Kathy; as I took his arm.
To which he replied, Oh I know that. I don't know why I said it, really I don't.
I assured him I knew he didn't mean to say it and helped him to his bed.
I washed my face and offered Hubby a beverage.

I had to find a way to get my guard back up against Lewy and not against Hubby.
As we lay in the semi dark I heard Hubby get up and saw and felt him as he walked the length of my bed.
He came to get a good night kiss.
Then he went back to bed.

Hubby is not the disease, the disease is not Hubby.
Even though I repeat that over and over, my guard still goes down sometimes and I take a direct hit, right in the behind.
Who knew that was where my heart was ;-)

What a day

Hubby has had a very interesting day today.

But it all started back a few days or maybe I should say nights.
I have been keeping a close eye on Hubby since he started his new seizure episodes. Not overly worried or concerned about them just yet. I've been monitoring his BP and it has all been in a normal range laying, sitting and standing. His pulse rate has been elevated though. His last episode was Friday while he was with his aide.
For some reason I am always comforted by the fact that someone besides me, sees what is happening with Hubby.
When I should be thinking, "Oh poor Hubby and poor you, I'm sorry you had to witness that"
Instead I'm thinking "YAY, something happened while you were here. I am NOT imagining things"
Weird I know.
The night was followed by lots of extra confusion.

Hubby's normal, but less so lately, nighttime behaviors have consisted of night time snacking and trips to the bathroom. His normal movements have become "white noise" to my sleep patterns and anything out of the ordinary sets off some type of alarm in my head and body and I immediately jump to the ready. I'm never off duty I suppose.
Lately however, Hubby has been staying up at night and wandering stumbling through the house. The parkinsons symptoms associated with Lewy Body make Hubby shake terribly. Results being that anything he touches is shaken and rattled since there is no way to control this movement.

That leads up to the last 3 nights. Hubby has not only been NOT sleeping at night again. He makes every attempt to get into the kitchen at night clutching everything in his path until he finally gets there. My offers to fetch for him are met with resistance as he feels he is quite capable.
I just wish he felt capable during the day and not during the middle of the night.
You see, as Hubby passes my bed he holds it, you know where I'm going with this so just let me start from his bed.

He has a metal over the bed bar on a chain that he uses to help himself rise. (can you hear it clanging?)
Next to that is a bed table, with misc items on it, that I move out of arms reach to keep it from getting beat up at night and knocked over.
Then he moves from the table to my bed side.
I wake and move, mistake, he thinks I'm talking material, I'm not, other than, "Are you ok?"
Hubby pauses to say something I don't understand and probably if I were forced to tell the truth would say at that hour, I could care less about besides, "Yes I'm fine" but I'm not forced to tell the truth so I wont mention it.
Hubby moves from my bedside to our dresser. Seriously I NEED to get that thing cleaned off!
Hubby walks along the edge of the dresser and makes it to the door frame, where he stands and mumbles something. I roll over.
About 3 feet from the door frame is an old family dry sink with glass jars displayed on it. (Who's ides was that?)
4 feet from the drysink is a counter chair. Our floors in the kitchen are tiled.
As Hubby makes his way around the counter a couple of feet he finds the fridge. Another item with glass pretties on the top.
From the sounds of it, Hubby uses the door as leverage.
Then Hubby must make his way back to his bed.

Once settled he realizes he needs to go to the bathroom.

Metal bar on chain, bedside table, my bed, talking. This time he has to walk the length of the end of my bed to get to a doorframe. Lights, squeaky door, shuffling, dozing off until I hear the squeaky drawer (what is he doing?), then the squeaky door, the aroma of my body spray, Hubby makes a stop to sit in the chair by the door and ask if I'm awake. I am, he might need me. More talking (I think, mostly I grunt uh huh and uh uh), the end of my bed, his bed table, his bar on the chain then silence. For all of 3 hrs IF I'm lucky. Then he repeats the processes!

Now I'm one that needs straight hours of sleep by 5 or more. Preferably 8.

This has been going on for the last 3 nights. I even had Hubby stay up ALL day on Friday hoping he would sleep Fri night but Noooo.
So here we are today, Saturday.
I'm tired.
Hubby was too because he decided to go to sleep this morning. I woke him for coffee and breakfast and took advantage of the beautiful weather to do a couple things outside close to the house. I also had my video monitor tucked in my shirt so I could hear him or see him :)
I came in for water and checked on Hubby and he had chose to go back to sleep and was snoring.
I wanted so much to shake his bed and yell GET UP!, but I didn't :/

When Hubby finally did get up early afternoon, he was in a great mood.
He was chatting up a storm. Laughing and carrying on with 2 of our grandsons.
I fussed at him for drinking his coffee lying down and spilling it all over the bed.
He told the boys he was in trouble and they laughed.
I stripped the sheets and remade the bed.
Hubby was sitting in a chair and announced,
"You know, I had a great time yesterday. I don't know what I did but I had a great time"
Hubby was pleased as punch and who was I to say he didn't even though I had no clue what he might have done. It's a positive and I'll take it.

A couple hours later everything changed.
Hubby realized he was having a problem and commented to me about it.
He didn't remember where he was or how he got here.
I spoke with him about this and he told me that he knew where he was earlier but not now.
I asked him if he was worried or scared. He said no but he knew it wasn't right.

I received some helpful suggestions from some of my Lewy Body FB friends.
I'll look into finding a way to bring some rest not only to Hubby but for myself.
Oh how I appreciate those waking this path of Dementia and their willingness to share ideas and suggestions.
It's so reassuring to know that we are not alone on this journey.

Things that go Bump in the night

Hubby and I had the pleasure of hosting our youngest grandsons first birthday party at our home :)

 

We had a house full of family, friends, and small children.
Hubby participated as much as he could and sometimes just his presence in the room was more than we expected.

It was a great day :)

Then the evening came.

Hubby's participation in family gatherings or anywhere several people are gathered together take a toll on him.
He has a difficult time processing the noise and chatter around him.
He does the best he can though.
The end of events leave him exhausted and cognition takes a bit of a hit. We usually get a bounce back the next day or so.
All these things I am well aware of and have learned to take them as they come.

I suppose a night of "Partying" was a little more than Hubby could tolerate though. I was summonsed out of bed by an out of the ordinary noise.
I ran to the bathroom to find Hubby standing at the bathroom sink with a death grip on it.
I helped him to a chair a couple feet away and watched him as he became glassy eyed and then shut his eyes, leaned back in the chair and proceeded to convulse like he was having a seizure of some type.
I pulled him forward into my chest and held on to him tightly, speaking reassuring words that he was ok and I was there.
I did this to keep him from stiffening out in the chair, banging his head on the wall, and sliding out into the floor. My hold on him would allow me to ease him gently down should that have become necessary.
I remained fairly calm.
I attribute this to my recent education on seizures from my friend Trish, who is a caregiver for her disabled brother Robert. Robert has epilepsy and experiences seizures. Through their willingness to educate and my willingness to learn, I feel like I was able to better handle the situation with Hubby. Knowledge is power.
You can read about Robert through Trish's blog, "Robert's Sister" here.

Hubby was able to stop the shaking he was doing. He realized I had him in the bosom of my chest so taking advantage of the situation, he plunged face first into it! I knew he was fine after that.
Hubby was extremely exhausted and after making sure he was stable I retrieved the wheel chair to escort him back to bed. I helped him settle in and tucked him in, gave him a kiss goodnight and we slept the remainder of the night.

The following night, last night, I was once again summonsed from my bed to find Hubby standing in our bedroom doorway. I asked if he was ok and he replied "No" then proceeded to convulse. I'm not sure if super fast is the proper phrase in describing how quickly I was able to envelope Hubby in my arms and hold him upright. Prepared to ease him to the floor if necessary. The wheelchair was so close and so far away to slide underneath him and if I could have maneuvered  Hubby around I could have grabbed it with my foot and pulled it, but we were stuck in our position until Hubby stopped convulsing.
Still in my tight grip embrace I was able to move Hubby around just enough to lean on the door frame, get my foot on the wheelchair and pull it to us. In the process I tangled my foot up in the wheel, ran over my toe and crashed into my knee.
Then I was able to set Hubby down assess me him and take him to bed, settle and tuck him in, get a good night kiss and sleep the remainder of the night.

I sure hope these incidents do not continue, but something in my heart says that this is just another decline in the course of Hubby's Lewy body Dementia.

Dementia doesn't happen only to the mind, but to the entire body.

How old am I?

It was the best of times and it was the bestest? bester? oh whatever, it was really funny.

I am enjoying Hubby's calmness as of late.
The angry words and accusations seem to have diminished quite a bit.
Perhaps Hubby is finally coming to terms with his Lewy Body Dementia.
Perhaps finding a good combination of pain meds to help lessen some of Hubby's chronic back pain, has helped.
Perhaps a combination of the 2.
Whatever the reason I am ever grateful to a loving God for the blessings of peace :)

Hubby has acknowledged some changes going on in his mind.
He told me his mind keeps going back to a time when 2 particular restaurants were in our town. Both of which have been out of business before I ever moved her 31 yrs ago and perhaps were in and out of business before I was ever born. ( 26 1/2 yr age difference between Hubby and me)
He also acknowledges that he knows they can't be around anymore but for some reason, his mind sometimes tells him that they are.

This insight into Lewy has been the first REAL insight Hubby has ever shared with me that I can remember.
Most of the time I am left guessing and deducting what he might think and feel.
You can imagine how happy I was that he felt secure enough to share those thoughts.
He and I talked about the restaurants for a short,very short, time.

Mobility continues to decline at a quicker pace and that seems to be the most frustrating thing to Hubby.
The parkinsons type symptoms of his Lewy Body have made walking nearly impossible for even the short distances now. Fortunately Hubby has something to hold on to every couple of feet from our room to out adjoining bathroom. He clutches with a life grip, yet the other night he took a middle of the night fall in the bathroom. I jumped straight out of bed to get to him but he was wedged between the 2 doors.
Fortunately when we built our house, we put one door in that swings in and one door that swings out.
Isn't it amazing that God had the bigger picture in view when we did this?

Realizing I couldn't get in the one door, I leaped across my bed and through the kitchen and washroom to the other door. Hubby was able to move all his limbs. He had a spot on his knee and a pretty good sized goose bump on his head. A thin scratch on his back.
It took a good 20 mins to get Hubby uprighted and back to his bed. He is a stubborn and prideful man and refused to let me call for help from SonnyBoy who was sleeping in the other room. I finally demonstrated what Hubby needed to do in order to get up and Hubby was finally able to understand and rise from the floor.
I helped him into his bed and tucked him in. We slept the remainder of the night.

The next day we visited the Dr for medication follow up and lad test results. Hubby passed with flying colors all his lab tests and my good report of Hubby's behaviors and medication combination for pain easement made the Dr smile. He even laughed when he said "Good, we wont need to make any more medication changes:. To which I replied, "No, no changes, BACK OFF!" We both laughed actually :)
Dr said he was going to go ahead and schedule an appointment but if I felt like it wasn't necessary to be there, I could just call him with an update as he felt confident that if there were issues I wouldn't hesitate to contact him. I assured him he was correct :)

Communication comes and goes for Hubby.
He gets lost in his thoughts and easily sidetracked.
Words don't come even though he knows what he wants to say.
Many times he asks me if I know what he is thinking or will call me in to ask me if I knew what he wanted.

Sorry Hubby, I wish I was a mind reader :)

Simple every day things get incorporated into Hubby's conversations.
A word or phrase I might say will become part of a sentence Hubby is saying. Then he gets stuck on the word like a skipping record player.
Television is even worse!
When Hubby wants to talk to me or I need to say something complicated to him, I must try and remember to turn the TV OFF. Just down doesn't help because he can still see the movement and that distracts him.


Now for the fun stuff.


The day after our his Dr Hubby wanted to make a trip out to eat one afternoon. We eat a very late lunch or very early supper. I lovingly refer to it as "Old People's Supper".
On the way home Hubby made comment about his head still hurting and cupped his hand to his head and ear.
At this point I can only guess what was going on with Hubby and my guess was that he had a ringing in his ear because he said, "My phone is ringing"
Hubby pulled cupped hand off ear and looked at his hand.
I said "What?"
Hubby repeated, "My phone is ringing".
What could I say besides "Say Hello".
So Hubby did. He raised his cupped hand back to his ear and said "Hello?"
Then lowered his hand, stared at it, commented "That was weird" put it back to his ear and listened again.
It took every ounce of self will to keep from laughing out loud at this.
I just glanced out the drivers window occasionally and continued the drive home.
Hubby never realized he was not holding a phone but was not upset that nobody was talking to him.

Still having communication issues a couple of days later, Hubby and I were watching an old TV show.
In the show a girl screamed.
SonnyBoy, who was in a nearby room laughingly said "She screamed just as I sat down.!"
Apparently she startled SonnyBoy and he and I laughed about it.
Hubby didn't understand what SonnyBoy said so I repeated.
Hubby said, "SonnyBoy sat on her and that's why she screamed?!"
SonnyBoy and I both thought this remark was hilarious and through near tears I tried to explain that he did not sit on the woman, but Hubby never could get it straight in his own mind and seemed a little disgusted that SonnyBoy would do such a thing.
I have to agree that it is not polite to sit on women.

Some days, living in Hubby's world is a little more entertaining than the real one.
And Hubby's more comfortable when we can meet him there.

Today is Hubby's 75th Birthday.
It seems that Hubby has forgotten his age, not just by a yr or so but by the 10s of years, and over the course of the last few weeks, occasionally, he will ask how old he is.
Today when I wished him Happy Birthday, he asked me how old he was.
I replied "75"
His response, "Well, I'll take your word for it."
Happy Birthday Hubby. I love you very much :)

Highest Praise

Tonight, I just received the highest praise I could ever ask for.

Hubby asked me if I wanted to get rid of him.
My reply was was a resounding "Not at all" then I asked why, was he wanting to get away from me?

He looked straight at me and said, "I'd be in a world of hurt without you".

Treading Water

Feels like Hubby and I have been treading water for quite some time now.
Although we are still moving along in the Lewy Body Dementia waters at least we are not being sucked into it's undertow.
That's a good thing.

We still have cognition problems.
Just last night Hubby asked SonnyBoy where we were.
Hubby was obviously concerned and SonnyBoy got concerned about his father's state of confusion and obvious fear and relayed it to me.
Since I see this so much I suppose it's a normal question to me.
I went to Hubby and asked if he needed or wanted anything, meaning I give him yes or no questions.
Do you need a blanket? Can I bring you some water? Lemonade? Would you like cheese with crackers?
Are you feeling ok?
Hubby can answer these types of short sweet questions.
He asked me where we were and I assured him we were at our home.
Hubby's response, "That's what I thought. (SonnyBoy) didn't know where we were and I didn't know if maybe we got kidnapped or something."
I laughed and so did Hubby, then I hugged and assured Hubby nobody had been kidnapped and retrieved a snack for him.
All was right with the world again.

Mobility is getting worse.
Hubby struggles more and more with walking but is still able to get to and from the adjoining bathroom. He has limited the number of times he goes though. That reminds me, note to self, buy more laundry detergent.
Sitting up is also very difficult for Hubby. He falls over because he cant sit still.
The Parkinsons type symptoms of his Lewy Body have increased to a frustrating degree for Hubby.
Unfortunately the meds in the past we have tried for Hubby's shaking have not worked.
So he must live with the shaking. In order to combat it, he stays horizontal; even when I wake him to eat.

I think this activity stresses me a little for choking possibilities and I have expressed my concerns about it so as a compromise, Hubby lays on his side to eat and drink.
I even tried to get him to let me raise the hosp bed for him but he doesn't like the bed up, sigh.
Since there is no serious issue, pick and choose your battles with dementia.

I feel fairly confident to say that we may have been able to get Hubby's back pain to a manageable level with the increase in meds. He still has pain but at least he isn't complaining as much.

Hubby hasn't been trying to figure out ways to get away and his attitude toward me is softer. Even very dependent at times. There are times I will hear him call out to me in a distressed tone. I will hurriedly go to him only to learn he didn't know where I was and got concerned. My presence eases his distress for which I am thankful. Of course that isn't to say he doesn't get cross and suspicious, just not as much.

So here we are, treading water, staying afloat for the time being and every now and then, I can touch the bottom and stand up to rest.

More Boys

Last night Hubby needed and asked for assistance with his bed covers.
As I was hovering over him he asked me if there were people in the house.
I answered no, there were not.
This question is common but it came with a different tone for Hubby.
He then stated that he hears a lot of background talking.
I stopped fussing with the blankets and assured him that nobody was here.
I reminded him that hearing voices was a symptom of his Lewy Body Dementia.
I also said that hearing voices or even seeing things like people or animals could happen.
Hubby didn't care for my explanation too much and scowled at me.
I fussed with the blankets some more and made sure Hubby was covered up and warm.
I suppose I was taking too long when Hubby announced that my doing that was bothering him for some reason. He didn't know why or what but it was really bothering him.
I think it was from the scowling.
I backed off and gave Hubby some space and a concerned smile.
The rest of the evening was calm.

Tonight Hubby called for me and when I entered the bedroom he was sitting on the side of my bed.
He had a look of confusion so I asked if he was ok.
His reply was no, yes, I think I just saw grandson.
Hubby asked me if the boys were here.
They are not.
Hubby was very convinced he saw one of them and I assured him that I believed he really did think he saw them and I explained again about his Lewy Body and its ability to make the brain believe something was there when it really wasn't.
Still obviously upset, I asked Hubby if he was okay?
His answer was that he was trying to get a snack from the kitchen but seeing the boy in the bedroom made him have to sit down and make sure of what he saw.
I asked Hubby if he was frightened by it.
He answered no, just confused.
I offered to get a snack for Hubby and he happily accepted.
I asked Hubby to always tell me if he sees something and has questions about it or is frightened by it.
He said he would and shuffled off to his bed.

Auditory hallucinations have been around for a while here.
Some visual but Hubby has always been able to shake them off as, that can't be real, or, tricks of the eyes.
Last night and tonight they had a very real presence to him.
I pray that I will always have the words to assure Hubby and make him happy with an offer of a snack.

Except for these incidents, things here have been fairly smooth and steady.
I like smooth and steady.
Hubby has been in good spirits and calm.
Little to no anxiety.
New pain meds seem to be helping with no serious or odd side effects.  A little more tired perhaps.
I have no complaints
And neither does Hubby
 WAIT-
On second thought, Hubby with no complaints? Maybe a few odd side effects but I can live with them ;-)

This is all about me.

I'm a caregiver statistic.
I eat poorly,
I haven't seen a medical Dr in 5yrs maybe more,
I don't exercise regularly,
I put my own self care last or completely ignore it until it screams for attention,
I was 4 yrs before I used any respite time that the VA had available. 

I do not suffer from depression, and I try to avoid it in all forms, but I do have some anxiety at times. Especially when significant and sudden downturns come.

I can tell I'm a little snappier in my responses to others.

My mental health is hanging on. For now.
My physical health is another story.

I'm a terrible self motivator.
Just take one look at me and my house and you will see that.

I've tried the home exercise and home hair cuts and home cooked meals.
I use my stability ball as a seat, I think I can rock a pony tail and since I found Schwans home delivered food, well, need I say more there?

I feel bad when I can't stay on course for myself.
I feel bad when I wish for more time away from Hubby so I could do some things I want.
I have learned the value of time. It is a precious commodity when it's in short supply for yourself.
As a 24/7 caregiver all the time is Hubby's except the 8 1/2 weekly hrs I get through the V.A. for an aide.
in this 8 1/2 hrs errands must be run groceries must be purchased, travel to and from must be included and where we live its a 20 min trip one way to our largest store, etc etc. I must find a way to fit in all the things I HAVE to do and still find some time for me in there. Occasionally I get a lunch with a family member or friend. Hurriedly of course but I still do it. Think about the expression, Eat and Run :)

Now this all sounds mighty whiny of me. But that isn't my intent here.
I am very blessed to have this time.
I know what it's like to have none, especially when the VA doesn't renew Hubbys Aide service for a month! breathe in, exhale slowly ahh

Available family have filled in for important things and run errands if I ask, so again, I appreciate the knowledge I can call when I have to.

But I don't like being a statistic. It's happening though and I can tell.
I thought of all the ways I could prevent it. I started doing small things, walking/jogging in the driveway.
A dual trip to the eye dr, Hubby was there so I squeezed in too.
Much needed dental work. (Remember the neglected self care and screaming, almost losing a front tooth due to neglect is a screaming issue ).
And just the other day, after much consideration and serious thought, lots of praying, mostly consisting of please let me find a way!, Weighing all the odds and planning the timing more than once, it occurred to me, I can start working out again! The gym I was once a member of had relocated several months ago. Their new location is ideal for me and my errand needs. Grocery store, drugstore and place to get my oil changed all within a stones throw! I am SO EXCITED!
Today was my first day back in 4 yrs! I was able to get my workout in AND pop in at the grocery store (right next door) with time enough to get home and not feel like I was running through myself :) it was a glorious feeling.
A funny thing happened at the store, I grabbed a cart, made a quick run through produce, went up the soup aisle rounded a corner and BAM wobbly legs got me and my knees buckled. LOL! I didn't fall down and was able to upright myself in plenty of, save myself from embarrassment, time. Good thing for shopping carts! I thought it was funny and I can't wait to get back to my workout Mon!

Now if a hairdresser would move in close by...

Conversations

Conversations around here can be hilarious at times.
Our struggle can range anywhere from unfinished sentences to incorporating parts of other conversations in the present ones.
For instance, when I passed by Hubby's bed, I reached over to get a small blanket and he flinched saying he thought I was going to touch him with my cold hands.
I assured him "I'll give you advanced warning before I do that".
Then I asked him what he wanted for lunch and went down the list, one at a time, of yea or nays.
No, was the word of the day and when I got to hamburger he said , "I need advanced warning".
After a moment to process this, I took this as a no and offered PB&J, it was yes.  
I wonder if he doesn't like my hamburgers. Hmm LOL!!!

Blub blub blub

Day 6 in the new year and I we are holding our own.
Hubby seems more content, less agitated. These are VERY good things.
Yet, I keep waiting for the jack in the box to jump out and scare me.

The Holidays came and went with little fanfare.
We kept it simple in many ways while still enjoying our family.
Hubby even participated in the family Christmas Eve gathering this time :)

New Years Eve came and I was a day behind wondering why everyone was celebrating early.
Half of the day was gone before I realized why. LOL
Hey, in my defense, all the days are the same around here.

BIL's time with us was over and he left to stay with his other sisters. He will return next Sept.
He is always quiet and when he isn't in school you would hardly know he was in the house but when he is gone, there is a hole left behind. We will of course see him as often as possible but his absence is felt in our home.

The Shaking that comes with LewyBody has increased enough to cause Hubby more neck and back pain.
In the past we have moved slowly and sparingly with pain meds.
I always fear meds because they seem to have a negative effect on Hubby's cognition.
In the past, fear has kept me holding off more aggressive treatment in pain management. Although I still have concerns I wonder, What I was holding Hubby back to? The tug of war of emotions to hang on or let go is emotionally heartbreaking. I had to decide that Hubby's quality of life was more important than my desire to "keep" him. Helping him stay as pain free as possible became top priority and the best care I could give him.

Meds were changed I am still watching for side effects but happy to say I haven't noticed anything distressful. YAY!!
Downturns still come but I have not necessarily contributed them to the new meds as they have been coming all along anyway.
Words are difficult to find. Hubby confuses easily.
Word recognition is diminished more.
Conversations are harder and sentences must be kept shorter. I struggle with that. :/

Hubby has started drinking his coffee in a laying down position. and eating his breakfast in the same manner.

Last night Hubby had mobile meltdown. Around 3:30 AM Hubby opened our adjoining bathroom door. He has done this a million times but this time, the sound woke me. I only stirred enough to see the time and be annoyed at being awake at that hr but something else said, something is wrong. Sure enough, I saw Hubby standing in the doorway, clutching the frame unable to move.
God has perfect timing and an acute alarm clock.
The longer he stood there the more he leaned forward and fear of him falling pushed me out of bed and to his side for support. It took all we had to walk (drag him) the few feet (6, I measured) to his bed and get him in it and settled. He couldn't remember  how to walk.

Today he is struggling to sit on the side of his bed and I was able to convince him to let me raise the hosp bed to sitting up and placing his table in front of him.
So far, it's working.


The biggest change in Hubby has been a noise he now periodically makes.
quite loudly he will make a sound that is familiar to a fast  "BLUB BLUB BLUB"
He makes this noise on occasion and mostly when I am busy in the room.
Perhaps a way of releasing frustrations and at times a way of getting the attention of our grandsons as they enter the room.
Sometimes I find it amusing and other times not so much when I'm trying to watch something on TV.
I do always ask if it helps him feel better to get that out :)
Somehow it reminds me of his mother. When we cared for her, she would make noise similar to that of a goat bahhh. Given a choice of sounds, I'll take a blub over a goat ;-)

Not every change is bad though.
The best change in Hubby has been his attitude toward me.
I can't say if it is because if Dr Neuros straight talk with him, or our straight forward talks here at home.
Whatever it is Hubby has been kinder toward me to the point of making an extra concerted effort to come and give me a kiss goodnight each evening.
And closing on the best note, One night we lay in the dark, in separate beds I said, "Goodnight Honey, I love you."
He replied, "I love you too, more than you know."
PRICELESS!